For the girls with big sweaters and thirsty hearts

Am I the only one who gets a little sad on the day after Christmas? All the feels. The world is moving on to the next big thing, the presents have been unwrapped and those bows made to sit just right have been unceremoniously tossed in the trash. Soon the boxes will come out to pack away the sparkling lights and handmade ornaments, the nativity scenes and jingle bells… they will once again find their home in the attic, waiting in the dark until it is the season of Light once again. It has always made me sad but I never stopped to think why until this year. I dismissively thought it was the kid in me wanting to hold on to happy Christmas music, lazy days with family, the extra sweets lying around, and all the pretty lights everywhere… but perhaps it goes a bit deeper.

Christmas is the coming of our hope.

That Jesus came to earth to be born as a human so he could one day sacrifice himself on the cross and take my punishment, so that I might know his eternal love… that is the Hope that was born on Christmas day all those years ago. (Yes, I’m aware that it is controversial and He probably wasn’t born on the exact day we celebrate Christmas, but that is the day we choose to celebrate His birth so just stick with me, okay?)

Emmanuel. God with us.

That means Christmas is not an ending of a season of joy… but a beginning! Hope doesn't end because the decorations are packed away and the stores no longer play happy Christmas music. Hope doesn't end because family and friends are scattered and we go back to the mundane.

Hope lives in our hearts and the only sadness comes from focusing on the external rather than the internal… oh Amanda, imagine what would happen if you carried this hope + peace + joy + love into the regular every day of the new year! What an adventure that would be! God with us. Do you see it? Stop living like it’s hopeless, stop letting sadness and stress control you, stop being that person you don’t want to be because hope is here. If we could but catch on to that, how things might change! Do you hear the joy? We don’t have to do this life-thing alone, because God is with us. I know you know this. So did I. But my life didn’t look like I believed it (and sometimes it still does not).

One of my favorite authors, Ann Voskamp once said, “All fear is but the notion that God’s love ends.” But His love doesn’t end. So we don’t have to fear. So this coming year filled with the unknown doesn’t look quite so scary, and I don’t feel the need to plan every moment and stress about what’s next and how this-and-that will work out… because I have the peace of knowing that He is with me. He is not going anywhere.

But I’m human and I know it probably won’t even be a week before something happens and my forgetful heart gets frightened and the stress starts to climb back on my shoulders like some unforgiving weight… and this doubting Israelite will pull out the ratty oversized sweater of doubt and self-reliance and in putting it on again this sinner-girl will try to control and try to fix and try to make better… and the sweater will sap my strength and steal my joy and refuse to acknowledge peace because surely I’m too broken for Him to worry with me right now and once I get this sorted out we can walk together again.

And that Jesus who loves so much that He would leave His throne to come down and take the form of a baby, knowing that His purpose was to die for a people who rejected Him… He will just shake His head and whisper “Come.” He will offer a beautiful white dress that I left in a puddle at His feet to slip on the shabby sweater. Tears come as I see that my favorite dress- the one that makes me feel like a princess, it makes me radiant and my feet dance with joy- it is not stained from the mud I dropped it in but has new radiance from where He touched it… and I want that but I know I don’t deserve it… so I pull the sweater tight around me and keep saying, “I’ll figure it out. Maybe if I try harder I will do better at this life thing…” …and I reject Him and His gift again, so soon after proclaiming the joy and peace that knowing Him brings.

But this Jesus who loves so well, this persistent perfect Savior doesn’t leave me alone. He doesn’t give up on me. Instead He lights my way with coffee dates that speak life to my heart, breathtaking sunsets, hugs, songs, and Words that penetrate straight through that stained sweater to the longing heart beneath… “Come, Amanda. You who are weary and forgetful. Come, beloved. Come to my table, and be satisfied. I love you. I will never stop loving you.”

And that love echoes through the dark and the hard and takes the blinders off for just a moment and I remember… the answered prayers and impossible things and miracles and joys and hope and LIGHT …and He is still that Faithful God and oh I have been so foolish again! So I take off the sweater and pull on the dress. And it fits just right. So I spin and laugh and reclaim the joy and peace and love and hope… it never left, but my eyes were too busy looking at the darkness and fearing what may be to see the light and what is.

So maybe you're rolling your eyes at the analogy, but if you stop and get real with yourself for a second, doesn't the peace of this picture appeal to you? Aren't you thirsty for real satisfaction? Because who doesn't love a pretty dress that makes them feel radiant and confident and free? And you can't think about the way He loves us and cares for us, in spite of our stubborness, without feeling a little bit of giddy delight and a overwhelming realization: I am loved. I am chosen. I am not forgotten. No matter what the world says, no matter how they name you, if you are a child of God, your name is Beloved.

Life is a beautiful adventure. I want to live every moment and follow Jesus every step. I want to hold tight to hope and rest in His love and joy and peace. I want to be satisfied in Him. Because it’s not about what I can do, but the gift that He has so graciously given to every one of us. It’s not about pasting on a smile in the hard things but trusting in the One who has never ever failed His children. God doesn’t drop His babies on their heads.

So put on your dress, girl. Pull out those sparkly dancing shoes. Let’s keep celebrating the Hope we have and trusting the Star-breather to lead us through this life-dance.

Christmas may be over, but the celebration is just beginning.

Come.

 “Come, everyone who thirsts,

come to the waters;

and he who has no money,

come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk

without money and without price.

Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,

and your labor for that which does not satisfy?

Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,

and delight yourselves in rich food.

Incline your ear, and come to me;

hear, that your soul may live;

and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,

my steadfast, sure love for David.

Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,

a leader and commander for the peoples.

Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,

and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,

because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,

for he has glorified you.

“Seek the Lord while he may be found;

call upon him while he is near;

let the wicked forsake his way,

and the unrighteous man his thoughts;

let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,

and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

(Isaiah 55:1-7)

holding on & letting go

That white blank page.

The blinking cursor…

…waiting for words, any words that could maybe capture all the mountains and valleys and long muddy roads and sparkling bright joys of this year. But words are hard.

If you could see me now, my foot tapping with impatience that my brain can’t quite spit out the words fast enough because surely there are more things to do and I don’t have time to sit here and process…

But, in actuality, it’s December. I made it through the crazy hard semester and the reverse culture shock and the feeling that my heart was ripped into tiny pieces and scattered on the wind when I boarded the plane on that steaming hot day at the end of July. I can rest. I can breathe deep and look at the lights and reflect on all the glittering moments of 2014, with the startling parallel of mud and hard and an ugly broken sinner-girl.

It makes me catch my breath in surprise when I look back wide-eyed at the days past. I grew up. I’m not sure if it was when the dust of freshly poured concrete caught my hot wet tears in that packed out church in the mountains of Maibu, where the people I love pressed close and the heat was okay because this, together, worshipping, thanksgiving, this is what life is about... or maybe it was when I stepped off the plane and realities collided and I started learning about letting go and in brushing shoulders with people in LAX and Dallas who didn’t give me a second glance because I look just like them I wondered at the stories hidden behind the busy rushing and dark circles under eyes… or maybe it was when the fall semester started back and I had to jump right into days packed full to the minute and all the studying that pushed relationships to the wayside and left my heart longing for depth and intentionality… or maybe it was a combination of all of the above and the months prior when God held me close and taught me to love adventure and choose joy and love deeply because we only pass through this life once.

Oh I wish words weren’t so hard. I wish that I could spill my heart right out on this page so that you could see all that God has done for this ungraceful sinner-girl, so that you could see that yes His faithful love endures forever!

This grace is a gift, this life is a gift, and I don’t want to let the sparkly (and not so sparkling) moments of this year pass me by without holding them up to the light once more. Maybe you are interested in how God makes a doubting heart have faith, or maybe you just want to join me in laughing in giddy delight at the rainbows these crystal memories splash on the wall because they are made beautiful in the Light… either way, here’s my journal of the journey.

“That’s the painful part about becoming a new person: you want to hold on and let go all at once.”           -Hannah Brencher

Expectations murder relationships. People are people. That means they change. When you put someone in a box of your expectations, you limit them and they can’t be all they are meant to be. People don’t stay the same forever, nor do they stay in your life in the same way forever. And this perfectionistic type A personality over here usually ends up disappointed when she starts hanging expectations like measuring tapes on the wall. Let it go. Let them go. Maybe the beautiful they are meant to be is more than you can imagine, and distance or change that seems so hurtful is actually a vehicle for beautiful growth. And while you’re at it? Let go of that gold medal you are holding onto so tightly. You know the one I’m talking about… the one with your name written all scripted that promises all your dreams will come true if you just do more or act better… the elusive taunt of perfection that always rings painfully dull because our efforts will never get us the gold. In fact, it’s in the letting go and giving grace that you find your way again. By giving grace I am stepping closer to the perfection of my Savior and His refining fire makes that gold medal shrivel like the cheap souvenir of success that it is. And grace glimmers brighter than that Christmas tree decked out in crystal and lights. Grace is strength and beauty in the refining fire, because our faith is of greater worth than gold (1 Peter 1:7).

Loving people is hard. I still don’t really know how to get it right. Keep trying. Let His love fill you and spill out all over everywhere like some refreshing fountain that doesn’t diminish no matter where it is placed.

Goodbyes are so hard. I try to avoid them if I can but then there’s this irony of fearing to miss the goodbyes because there is no closure and also needing to run away like the word goodbye is some terrible monster that can swallow me whole. I don’t have much to say about this yet. I am dreading graduation for this reason. Leaning hard on the One I will never have to say goodbye to helps… because I know that this life with Jesus is some kind of adventure and if I let go of these and climb the next mountain there will be more happy people and places to meet and know and love. But I never stop loving those people I let go. You know how the Grinch’s heart grew 3 sizes that day? Well, every time I say goodbye I think my heart grows a little bit. The people I knew I continue to love, and my heart opens a bit wider to let new people in… so if I ever refuse to say goodbye to you, know it’s because you remain in my heart despite the distance. “Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting” –Peter Pan

Forgiveness is necessary. Bitterness poisons joy. Life can’t be happy with an unforgiving heart. Unforgiving hearts also have trouble giving grace and love. Forgive. It makes life easier.

My Jesus never fails. He is always faithful. He has been challenging me to trust His promises and then just sit back and watch what He can do. That the One who knows the entirety of the universe, every star by name, would take the time to romance this awkward, doubting, fearful sinner-girl will always blow my mind. He has answered countless prayers, and He took me across the ocean and then loved through me when I was struggling to adjust. He strengthened me and led people to grace through me. He spoke life through me and I saw healing happen and warriors born because God fulfills His purposes, even through unworthy people like me. Oh now words are really failing me because I can’t make you see that mud-floor bamboo hut crowded with men, women, and children as the Gospel story was told for the billionth time in history but the first time for them and the rejoicing that came in the following weeks as they one by one decided to trust that mysterious Faithful One who loved them enough to die on a cross for their wrongdoing and then send some funny American girls to tell them about Ginoo (Lord Jesus). And the baptism party at the river when the church gathered ‘round and we sang praises and laughed until we cried at the naked children splashing in the pool and the new believers rising from immersion shouting with joy, and the dishes passed around and the rice piled on banana leaves and the coconut juice straight from fresh coconuts… and the prayers of a people redeemed and rejoicing in the relationship we have with the Father! Oh do you see it? Do you see why my heart will never ever be the same? Do you see how faithful our Jesus is? And how, even if we aren’t faithful, he still uses us despite our fears? Amazing.

And one last thing. Take time to see the lights. Let’s camp out here for a minute, okay? I am so extremely grateful for every friend who has shared a meal, a laugh, a hug, a cup of coffee or tea, or an episode of Gilmore Girls that I didn’t have time to watch …with me this semester. My heart needed it more than you will ever know. Coming from living in a culture that values relationships to a culture obsessed with squeezing all the productivity out of every second of the day… was exhausting. My people reminded me to stop and breathe and see the lights. They helped me count joys and prayed through the struggles. Laughter is one of my love languages I think, and the ones who laughed with me or made me laugh gave me the gift of community and being known. You people made me glad to be in America when my heart was otherwise longing to take flight across the ocean. I keep Christmas lights in my room year round because the warm sparkle makes my heart happy, but now it is actually the season for them. So, go out and see the lights. Take a break from that to-do list, that busy schedule, that voice in your head that says you don’t have time… and breathe in the air that smells of winter with a hint of fir and hot cocoa (oh yeah, don’t forget the hot cocoa!) while your eyes find those twinkle lights that try to mimic the stars. Like tiny twinkles of hope for the days ahead… because the darkness never has the last word where there is Light.

Oh come, let us adore Him! He is Christ, the Lord!

Much love and many warm and merry wishes,

Amanda

a heart for the nations

They warned us it would be hard. Coming back. Everyone says welcome home and wants to hear about my journey but there's a problem: 1. I'm not home. This summer taught me more than ever that only heaven is my home... and until I am kneeling up there before my Jesus, surrounded by the nations worshiping Him in every tongue, my heart will be restless and my feet will keep wandering this wide earth to carry the gospel to those without hope. 2. Words. Can't. Even. I try, genuinely try, to communicate all God did this summer and how He changed me, but words fall short. How can I put into the words the ache in my heart for the people we left and the burning in my soul for the nations to know Him and the jittery feeling of frustration as I observe the "Christian hipsters" of our generation complacently talking of world change while sitting over coffee doing nothing with this treasure of the gospel???
I don't mean to offend anyone but oh I just want the ones who call themselves followers of Christ to wake up to the need that is surrounding us!! I think I understand a tiny bit more of the heart of Jesus... Did you know that the entire bible is full of scripture pointing to God's heart for the nations? From Genesis to Revelation 7:9 "After this I looked, and behold, a great multitude that no one could number from every nation, from all tribes and peoples and languages, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed in white robes, with palm branches in their hands, and crying out with a loud voice, 'Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!'" (other references: Genesis 1:28, 9:1, 12:1-3, 26:4; Deuteronomy 4:4-6; Joshua 2:9-10; 1 Kings 4:34; Matthew 24:14, 28:18-20; Mark 16:15; Acts 1:8, Romans 10:14-15... just to name a few)
Did you know that there are over 3.5 billion people who haven't heard the gospel??? The easy places have already been reached. The places that are left are the hard to reach (which is why they are still unreached) ...in the deep jungles and on the tops of mountains... the places without water and the places that flood... the places wrecked by the elements and considered "harsh" and unlivable"... the places filthy and disease-infested in the middle of cities and trash dumps where the people are "nobodies" and don't even speak the common language and they haven't heard because no one is taking the time to learn their language and love on them.... and oh if this isn't breaking your heart yet, do you remember where they are going? Those who have not heard the gospel and do not know what Jesus did for them on the cross are dying and going to hell because John 14:6 makes it abundantly clear that Jesus is the only way and their blood is crying up from the earth... "if only I had known the truth, if only someone had told me about Him, I knew there was something bigger than me that's why I worshiped idols because I thought maybe...." and Jesus is looking at His church and crying out... Do you not see? Can you not hear above the noise of your Christian music and comfortable culture the sound of people dying without ever knowing they can have a relationship with me???
He has chosen us to carry the treasure of the gospel to the nations.
Matthew 28:19-20 "Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age."
This is a command.
How many of us treat it as optional?
To all of you adventure-seekers out there... do you know the adventure of saying yes to God and throwing yourself into His plan, dying to yourself, and then the miracle of how He uses you to take light into the darkness and live on the edge and see beauty and experience cultures where no one has gone before?? That is the best kind of adventure.
Oh my brothers and sisters...  I know there are people here (in the USA) who need Jesus. I know. And God has convicted my heart this summer more than ever before about sharing the gospel everywhere I go, here and across the ocean, and talking about Jesus daily because after all, we were created to glorify Him. The truth I am trying to convey is that we often use the excuse that "there are still so many people who need Jesus here" as a reason not to go... but we forget... they have access to the gospel- it's in their language and down their street and in their bookstores and millions of others do not.
There are also internationals who have come here- in our schools and our workplaces and these people have come to us... but are we welcoming them? God literally hands us the nations in these instances and so many (myself included) overlook them or don't take the time to know them because they're different or "they just wouldn't understand me anyway."
I hope you hear my heart. I am burdened for the gospel. Y'all, it's all we have, and the only thing worth spending your life for because it's the only thing that has eternal value. You hold a treasure of hope and love and joy and peace and LIFE. Who are you sharing it with?
So maybe you can't go right this minute. I understand. My heart is burning with the knowledge of the need among the nations, but right now I just don't have the money to go and I have to go to school because that is where God has placed me for this season. But that doesn't let me off the hook. I can PRAY ...oh don't get me started on the power of prayer! Maybe you don't know yet. Maybe you haven't seen how God delights in answering the requests of His children when they are praying for His will to be done... test Him and see. ;) Pray boldly for the missionaries, for the persecuted church, for God to send laborers to the fields ripe for harvest, for your lost friends and family, and for the sick and the burdened and the stress that you yourself are under. Pray with the knowledge of the power--that raised Jesus Christ from the grave!!-- that is in you as a child of God. Keep praying...and watch what God can do.
You and I can give to missions, and not just tossing a few coins in the plate as it passes by but really sacrificially giving... find a ministry that stirs your heart where the needs are written plain and the gospel is the message they carry... and dig deep. Give that money you would use at Starbucks to sit over coffee and talk about world change and give it to someone who is in a place to use it to literally change the world for Jesus (I'm preaching to myself here- y'all know how much I love my coffee)!
Oh friends, do you see it?
You have the potential in you- and I know you want your life to make a difference in the world- to really change things. You truly do! Love the person next to you. Remember those serving and those in need of the gospel among the nations. Pray and give and look for opportunities to go. God has already given you the go-ahead... and time is short. Life keeps ticking by, people are born and die, and today won't come again. Make it count, my friend. If you see me wasting time with trivial things- call me out on it.

Matthew 24:14 And this gospel of the kingdom will be preached in the whole world as a testimony to all nations and then the end will come.

I want all nations to know Him because that is His heart. So it is my heart. When I get home (in heaven) I want to worship beside every tribe and tongue. I think my generation can do this. We have the resources and the passion and the adventurous spirit... but are we selfless enough to spend our lives for A Story that is so much greater than my story? 

I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me- the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace.

Acts 20:24

saying goodbye

(written the day before leaving Maibu)
By this time tomorrow we will be gone from this place. It will always be my home on the other side of the world. I'm leaving more than a little of my heart. Here, God taught me that I am not at all cut out to be a missionary... but He takes what is broken and makes it new and just so- He takes this flawed, selfish, sinner-girl and puts her through the refining fire of a short-term mission trip... and now she is a little bit more like the person God has planned for her to be. She knows a little bit more about taking care of herself (cooking over a campfire, washing laundry by hand), and cares a little bit less about silly creature comforts (I say a little bit less because I am still really looking forward to a hot shower and washing machines). She shared her testimony and the gospel countless times, and she has seen the beauty of a people the way God sees them. The beauty of a life transformed by the message of hope... nothing else in this world can compare. She's seen Jesus in the small things and learned to count it all joy. This girl has changed a bit. She has long, thick, unruly hair and strange tan lines. More than these things though, her heart has changed. Where before she was content with nursing school life... now she is looking beyond. Life is about more than just studies and many have yet to hear the Good News.
    I have His hope in me to share with the world. Now that I have seen the need, lived in the need, and befriended the needy... I am responsible. My life is worth nothing unless I am poured out for Christ. This trip to the other side of the world confirmed that medical missions is my heart. Long term. I have no more specifics of what that will look like, but I don't need to right now. I just know that my life is not my own and there is much freedom in saying that, because God can do much greater things with me surrendered than with me planning my way. Nehemiah Teams has been a huge help in this summer of ministry and self-discovery. From arranging supervisors and mission locations to the discipleship materials, I have been blessed. I have learned what it means to be a World Christian, and as disciples of Jesus we are COMMANDED, not called, to be part of reaching the nations with the love of Jesus.
So I am saying goodbye to a season and a people that have taught me much. My eyes leak drops of love and joy... He isn't finished with us yet. (Philippians 1:6)

I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back.

No turning back.

the adventure of saying yes

You have to be some sort of brave to say yes to God. After all, He rarely outlines His plan and all the details in advance. The key to this type of adventure is faith. Trusting God has it all together when you can't see how the pieces fit. After all, adventures aren't always fun. Sometimes they are hard and exhausting. Your purpose in adventuring determines whether or not you keep going. In this missionary journey, the purpose is to share the story of Jesus. I've learned a lot on this adventure- hard to believe there is only a week more on this bit of earth before the journey back to the states. But I have a feeling this adventure will linger. I've learned much about myself and my Jesus that I cannot wait to share, but there is also a fire deep in my heart that cannot be quenched. I need to talk about the hope and love and grace and greatness of my Jesus. Like a fish needs water. I'm not especially brave nor do I have much faith. More often than not the "Oh you of little faith..." statements of Jesus prick this doubting heart... But I've learned the secret- just say yes. Saying yes brought me to the Philippines- the opposite side of the world from where I thought I would be. Saying yes brought several new brothers and sisters in Christ and many new friends. Saying yes brought laughter and joy and countless new experiences with a team that God designed. Saying yes put me waaaay out of my comfort zone and made me fall only on God. Saying yes brought struggles and sickness and tears and scraped knees and exhaustion. Saying yes brought chipped toenail polish from kneeling on cement praying fervently for His kingdom to come, His will to be done.
My prayer is to never stop saying yes to God. The day I stop is the day I have forgotten what is truly important, and I might as well stop wasting oxygen. My prayer for you, right now reading this? that somehow, someway you see Jesus in these words and realize that saying yes Lord, your will be done in my life, yes Lord I will go, yes Lord I will speak, yes Lord... is the only way to truly live because he alone knows all you are capable of accomplishing in Him. Be brave because He is worth it all, and walking with Jesus is the best kind of adventure.

be brave

Darkness to light

For the love of Christ compels us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. 2 Corinthians 5:14

Truly truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls to the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life will lose it and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12: 24-25

Two weeks since I last blogged and much has happened. Our bible studies have produced fruit and we have several new brothers and sisters in Christ. God's Word does not return to him empty! He is using these weak and broken vessels to carry the treasure of the gospel to these people hungry for truth. Many believe simply being good is enough- they do not understand the richness of the gift of Jesus and the need, desperate need we have for him because we are such sinners. My team and I are learning to pray without ceasing and seek him more and more. God is also showing up in awesome ways. 

Let me tell you a story... When we arrived in the barangay at the beginning of June we heard of a man who had been attacked by another man with a machete. This week, that man and his wife (Kuya and Ate) came to our house. In the hospital, he was so cut up that no one expected him to survive... as he told the story the still fresh scars on his disfigured face and stretching down beneath his shirt gave testament to the brutality of the attack. Then he said - we have come because we want to know more about Jesus. When I was dying I had a vision of Jesus kneeling at my feet, weeping. Tears filled his good eye "I want to know him." Our translator, Jinky, has a similar testimony about her father that caused her fmily to turn to Christ and she shared about God's grace and His ability to use terrible things for good. Grace, who that very morning had prayed for God to send us someone wanting to know Him, shared the gospel. Tears of joy flowed freely as they prayed. We then felt led to bring up the subject of forgiveness for this man's attacker. Their response astounded us- Kuya said he had already forgiven him- he wants him to know Jesus too. Ate said Kuya told the man's brother, when he visited the man in jail, to tell him Kuya was praying for him and all was forgiven. Both smiled in quiet joy and spoke of the peace they felt after visiting us and learning about Jesus. To say we were completely amazed by the ways of God is an understatement!
Ate is 9 months pregnant (now at the time I am finally getting to type this, she had the baby on a Sunday morning 2 weeks ago... we stopped by on our way to church and she was in labor... 15 minutes later out came a beautiful baby boy! Truly a miracle and we were so blessed to be there to watch/help!) We have had several chances to visit and talk with her and every time I walk away humbled and in awe of my Jesus. To take such darkness and turn it into such LIGHT! Wonderful, redeeming love.

 

Jemuel, 2 minutes into life

The pages of my Bible come alive in this place. There is no greater joy than carrying my little candle, my light, my treasure into darkness. And maybe I can die to myself a little bit more each day, so this vessel can be emptied of me and filled with Him, so that light can shine brighter.
We read mission articles and biographies during our team time that also cause us to grow as disciples (so thankful for Nehemiah Teams- I recommend it to everyone!). One quote that stood out to me this week was from a sermon by C.T. Studd, "Should such men as we fear? Before the whole world, aye before the sleepy, lukewarm, faithless, namby- pamby Christian world, we will dare to trust our God; we will venture out all for HIm; we will live, and we will die for Him, and we will do it with His joy unspeakable singing in our hearts. We will a thousand times sooner die trusting only in our God than live trusting in man. And when we come to this position, the battle is already won, and the end of the glorious campaign in sight. We will have the real Holiness of God... one of daring faith and works for Jesus Christ. "
My heart is full. I'm having a hard time believing we will be leaving here in 2 short weeks. Keep praying for God to bring disciples who will make disciples!
On the quirky side: We celebrated the 4th of July with smores and watermelon. We have all discovered our favorite veggie, as a team, is eggplant. I ate a really sketchy SNAIL this week (that's a funny story, ask me about it when I get home). American girls with an needy sweet tooth can do anything... including making french toast with brown sugar, powdered milk, eggs, and rolls... for dinner. I'm also pretty much a pro at taking manual blood pressure...haha
---more to come---

---the family that has my heart---

Praise the One who brings LIGHT!

Jemuel (2 weeks old) and big brother Teben 

Halfway.

Bible studies on the front porch with the sweetest girls, 15 circumcisions (in very warm room with headlamps because if we opened the windows the whole town would watch), laughter, and riding a water buffalo.
Never a dull day here in the Philippines!

God is here.
God is moving.
Yesterday, church was so full that we had to bring in chairs.
Spending time with the team on our knees in prayer and God is leading our hearts to the same thing-- Isaiah 44:3 "For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground..." God is pouring His Spirit out and all I can say is amen, come Lord Jesus and church, keep on praying!
We are at the halfway point of the summer and we are realizing more than ever that although missionary life is h.a.r.d., there is so much joy in serving the Lord and obeying His command to go and tell the nations.
We talk often about how words cannot express what God is doing and what we are learning... but one thing we can share is that there is a NEED in the world and a deep hunger for hope and the ONLY one that can fill that is Jesus Christ. I would so much rather be uncomfortable for the rest of my life, feet dirty and dusty from going and telling than clean and comfortable and content in America. This is my heart and the wellspring of Life in you should motivate you also to want to go... because people need to know. But I won't get on my soapbox now because my internet time is limited... ;)
An excerpt from the story of the missionary Amy Carmichael:
"Dear, you are coming to a battlefield. You cannot spend too much time with him alone. You are soldiers and soldiers don't ask for ease or expect it. You are warriors and when did warriors ask for an easy time? Or no wound? Or no heart-breaks?"
As disciples of Christ, our lives are not our own. The road will be hard, but God has promised that His word does not return to Him empty and we are simply commanded to go and tell. I am getting the awesome privilege of seeing God move as I walk in obedience, in spite of the hard.
Keep praying for us and for the work God is doing here!
Thank you for all of your love and support. I couldn't be here without you.
God is faithful, and He is the Provider.
Much love!

Maibu... how beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring the good news

Home sweet home. For the summer at least! My team and I have now been in the Barangay (village) of Maibu for a full week. I love it here. We are up in the mountains and the family we are staying with are pretty much the sweetest ever. There is always a pile of flip flops at the door and a house full of laughing, running children any time we are home. It's joyful. My heart is so full with all God is doing. Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers!
Words can't really describe the beauty here, and the beauty of the people. Smiles bright on brown skin and the deepest, most generous hearts beat within these strong people. Laughter and music abound, and we all sit for hours talking and learning from each other.
Each day we go into homes to offer healthcare and talk about life and Jesus. Some days people pull us off the street where we are buying barbequed sagine (bananas) to look at a deep machete wound and we pray and bind up the wound. Some days a bible study is what God uses to bind up heart wounds... in the people and in us. Some days we are simply walking down the street, followed by a crowd of children clinging to our clothes and hands (that's every day, actually- now we understand why Jesus got on a boat to teach), laughing and talking and living love. We have bible studies, share testimonies, play with children and hear about the grace of God in from the lips of believers in Cebuano.
Some days, ministry finds us.
Here is a bit from yesterday:
In the middle of siesta, 9 teenage girls showed up on our front porch. This is a normal occurrence, but not usually that early in the afternoon. They asked us to tell them stories about our lives, and so we did... pointing it all back to Jesus. After talking about the gospel and what it means to have a personal relationship with Jesus, Jordan (my teammate) asked if any would like to talk more about salvation. We now have two new sisters in Christ! So. much. joy.
God is moving here, especially among the young people. I am so blessed to be able to come alongside them and help make disciples. God is stirring in the hearts of these people. He is using this broken, unworthy vessel to carry the treasure of the gospel.
I am in love with these people, this country, and more than anything, my JESUS.
Thank you for praying!
Much love.

I have decided to follow Jesus

...No turning back.
 And this is where it gets real.
My time here in the Philippines has already been so full of joy and hard. I love it. When we arrived we were immediately immersed in the culture and although it was overwhelming at the time, it helped so much. This is my way of life now. I wake up at 5:30 am with the sun, wash my clothes from the day before in a bucket, cook rice and eggs for breakfast over a fire, have some quiet time with Jesus and then with my team (Grace, Lauren, and Jordan---they're the best, y'all) and then we spend the day telling people about Jesus. House to house, bringing the word of Life with us wherever we go, offering to take the blood pressure and do first aid, listening to the heartbeat of the people as we share our stories and listen to theirs. The heartbeat of this people group is one of welcome and friendship. It's beautiful. Around noon is siesta because it is literally too hot to move. haha... Dinner and lunch are both made over the fire (so thankful for the help of our translators! These white girls do not know how to cook like this!) Normally after a bucket bath we fall into bed around 8pm (the sun sets at 6pm)... sweet rest under mosquito nets, praying for a cool breeze.
This is so. different. from the comfortable American way of life. So why did I pay to come endure the heat and humidity and discomfort?? Because Jesus Christ is worth. it. all.

"I consider my life worth nothing to me if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24

Thank you thank you for your prayers! We seriously cannot do this without our brothers and sisters praying for us back home. I know I am weak but my God is strong in me. Pray for us to quickly overcome jet lag and culture shock. Pray for our bodies to adjust to the heat. Pray for the people we are meeting, that they will become friends and that we can share life with them and learn from them as well as share the love and hope of Jesus that we have.
Much love to you all!
p.s. For those of you who want more details- time is limited in the internet cafe, but as you know I am an avid journal-keeper, so every detail is being recorded! haha

Praying like Nehemiah

Eleven days until training starts with Nehemiah Teams. 19 days until I board a plane to the other side of the world. This morning my heart is humbled and full of gratitude. Never could I have guessed what this summer would hold. I still have very little idea as far as the details go... but it's okay. You see, I thought I would be going back to Camp Highland... but God had other plans. Oh and I'm sure He laughed when this silly girl prayed and prayed and prayed for chances to go and then He provided an opportunity out of the blue and I said, "Oh, but I didn't mean now"...but I'm so glad that God is bigger than my stubborn planner-brain and He said GO and then prepared the way for me. Truly I am blown away by his faithfulness. You would think I had soul amnesia-- how often I forget that HE IS FAITHFUL and He will do what He has promised. God's timing is not my timing and part of me is butterflies-in-my-tummy and Type-A-planner-on-overdrive about this trip, but the larger part of me is full of peace and almost giddy with joy. This is a God-dream from the deep of my heart, coming true!
So as I'm gathering the last few things for my trip and thinking back on this semester I just want to say THANK YOU to everyone who has supported me in prayer and financially. You are the reason I can go.
I am learning much about trusting the character of God when I cannot see His hand in the circumstances. This semester was h.a.r.d. I realized I had to let it go (cue singing Frozen)...but really. I cannot micromanage my life. All I can do is be right here, right now, and walk in the way God has shown me... and trust that He will take care of the rest. And He does. I passed my first year of nursing school. I managed to keep my job and make it to every clinical despite not having a car for 3 months. In the middle of all the studying and stress, God poured his provision through friends and family and I counted the blessings and realized my mission trip was fully funded. God provided people to give me rides and helped my parents find me a car. Worrying about it did not make it better, and it did not make anything happen more quickly. It only took my eyes of Jesus to focus on my own insufficiency. I know I can't do it. My Jesus can. His character is unchanging, and He hears His children when they call.
Fear has no place among the Beloved.

Typhoon Haiyan hit the Philippines 6 months ago. The island I will be living on for the summer is next to the island that was hardest hit by the typhoon... but over here in America it is so easy for me and everyone else to be so detached from the thousands who died and the children without parents and the people without homes because I have a roof over my head and my next meal is simply a matter of what I choose to eat. I do not know what their life looks like. I cannot pretend to understand how it feels to starve, and watch your family die around you and scrounge for food in the trash. But I want to help, I want to offer hope because I am no different from them and the reason I have more is so that I might give it away and so my life might be spent in the pouring out of Jesus. He is the only good in me that I have to offer.
Biblical compassion is characterized by action.
So I am ready to board that plane and have my life come tumbling down around me because I know I will be broken by what I see these next few months. And this is good.
I want to learn to pray like Nehemiah ... he heard about the plight of the Jews and "As soon as I heard these words I sat down and wept and mourned for days, and I continued fasting and praying before the God of heaven..." (Nehemiah 1:4). Nehemiah had a life far removed from the troubles of the Jews, yet as soon as he heard of their troubles he was on his knees before God in prayer for them. He then used his position, as cupbearer to the king, to obtain the permission and supplies to go help. He trusted in the hand of God, went to Jerusalem, saw the impossible that God was telling him to do (rebuild the whole wall? Really God? You can't be serious....? It's destroyed! That will take years. I'm only one person...<<< that's what I imagine Nehemiah was thinking)... oh but Nehemiah trusted the character of God! He inspected the walls, recognized the extent of the damage, and then gathered the people, "You see the trouble we are in [we---Nehemiah becomes one with the people, taking their struggles upon himself], how Jerusalem lies in ruins with its gates burned. Come, let us build the wall of Jerusalem that we may no longer suffer derision. And I told them of the hand of my God that had been upon me for good..." (2:17-18)
He told them of God's faithfulness in getting him to that point, so that they might join him in trusting the character of God to make a way for this seemingly impossible task of rebuilding the wall. Chapter 2 ends with Nehemiah proclaiming to those who doubt, "The God of heaven will make us prosper, and we his servants will arise and build..."
Trust the character of God, even in the face of the "impossible" because God can rebuild the broken.
The Creator can bring life from the rubble.
My Jesus can take a comfortable worry-prone stubborn daughter and make her a vessel of His glory to bring hope to the nations.
The hand of my God has been upon me for good, and He isn't finished yet.

Thank you for your prayers! Please continue to pray for unity for our team, safe and complication-free travel, open doors in the Philippines, and for His light to break down walls, and rebuild the broken.
I am thankful for you!

Much love!
Amanda

To die...

I didn't know it would look like this.

When I painted the quote on bits of burlap and cardboard at the beginning of this school year, I had no idea what was coming. I happily hung it in the living room of our apartment, over the verse from Colossians 3:2-3 "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." I didn't know this simple quote from Peter Pan and a long-ago memorized verse from Colossians would stare back at me many months later as a glaring reminder... it IS an adventure. But not the kind I would have ever chosen. Isn't it funny though? Adventures seem to work that way. You don't necessarily get to pick what kind you want, but you do get to pick your response. Now where is my focus? As I sit in the living room with my miles-long to-do list, heart full of questions, no answers, no relief in sight... just a word to fix my mind on things above.... I'm learning. Trusting God means keeping my focus ever upward. Before I get out of bed in the morning, looking up and saying I can't do this without you Jesus. The death of myself- I thought I died long ago, when I gave my heart to Jesus- is a daily thing. Choosing HIS will, not mine. Trusting HIS timing, not my control. Recognizing that I am nothing and I can't fix this, but I. know. the. One. who. can.
And there is peace in that. So I choose adventure over comfort, because with each faltering step, I am becoming more like my Jesus.
Dying means losing control of yourself. This perfectionist, slightly OCD, planner personality really dislikes being out of control... and this semester is a picture of chaos. I have no control. And God is good in my mess. He is still in the details. He is Faithful. So today, this minute, I will choose joy by remembering, "It is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come" 2 Corinthians 1:21-22. He isn't done with me yet. This morning I was clinging to Psalm 9:10, "Those who know your name will trust in You, for You, O Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You."
And so I will keep finding beauty in these ashes, because the Refiner's fire is making me whole...
"I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call upon my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'the Lord is our God'" Zechariah 13:9

If you want to say a prayer for this weary heart, I would be so thankful. Pray that I continue to choose joy and trust God. Pray for the people of the Philippines where I will be spending my summer and the team I will be working with. Pray for God to provide. I am confident He will.
God be with you.
Amanda

When it gets hard(er).

Therefore, we do not lose heart...

Having faith when the rough slaps you in the face and leaves you reeling in confusion is much harder than when you're thinking about it theoretically while sipping a cup of tea on a sunny day. Currently, I'm reeling. This wasn't supposed to happen. Why me? And as soon as these thoughts pop up, I'm immediately frustrated with myself. I'm breathing, aren't I? (The answer is yes, I am.) Therefore, it's not that bad. I am okay. It's not the end of the world. It's amazing how many times a day I have to tell myself this. Why do I so quickly think, just because life got a bit harder, that God has abandoned me or that He's punishing me? Have I really bought into that lie of the "prosperity gospel"? Heavens, I hope not. That's not okay. Long story short, my car is totaled due to some black ice and the ensuing physics of a little white car spinning out of control on a freezing night a couple days past, ending with a terrified girl climbing out, unhurt but car-less. Thankfully, dear friends were nearby to help and comfort me, and this family of friends have been supportive ever since, offering rides and "whatever I need." So, why am I so shaken/disturbed/torn up about this?? Is it because Chloe Roxanne (wait, you don't name your car?? You should.), my constant companion and almost-reliable friend for 6 years bit the dust? In part, yes. That car holds many happy memories and she's now being sold for parts (it's okay to grab a tissue, I'm tearing up over here too). I think a bigger part of my despondency is due to the lack of freedom this causes. This gypsy heart does not enjoy sitting in one place for very long, and these out-of-shape legs can only get me so far. Yeah, people have graciously offered to help transport me, but that just makes me feel like I'm inconveniencing the world. Maybe I'm too independent. I don't know.
I do know that God is teaching me something through this. Probably something about trust and His faithfulness because I all too often have a heart full of doubt when I can't see how this fits with the plan or any possible way to work it out. Right now, any semblance of a plan I had is in shambles. Shattered like a ceramic mug on a cement floor. Gone. Hopelessly broken. And I don't know where to even begin picking up the pieces. How will any of this work out? I have no idea.
....But I don't have to know. I have to trust. That is easier said than done, but God knows I'm trying. Trying to get this restless heart to stop fighting and listen. To wait in the stillness and frustration and know that I can't work this out, I can't fix it, but I know the One who can. And so I surrender. Whatever He is doing, it's bigger than me and my lack of car, and if this makes me more like Him, then yes, the hard is worth it.
Choosing joy, AG

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us...For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

(2 Corinthians 4)

Trust without borders

Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God."

John 6:68-69

I can identify so much with Peter. Following his story in the Bible, you see how real and human he was. This is the guy who cut off the guard's ear in a fit of passion, trying to protect Jesus... the guy who spoke out of turn, acted impulsively, doubted despite everything, denied Christ when it counted because he was scared.... yet Jesus called him the Rock on which he was going to build his church. Because despite Peter's glaring flaws, he LOVED Jesus. More than anything. He left his life behind to follow Him, and he served with humility. Despite his doubts, Peter didn't always blow it. Sometimes he was the only one who got it right. That quote above? That's what Peter said after Jesus gave his disturbing speech about his body being eaten like bread and his blood poured out like wine to drink. After that memorable speech, many turned back and no longer followed him, and the disciples grumbled among themselves. Jesus asked if they too would go away, and Peter nailed it- where would we go??? YOU are the only one worth following, worth giving one's life for. Peter believed this so much that he was later martyred for his faith, on an upside down cross because he refused to be crucified right side up, considering himself not worthy to die in the exact same manner as Jesus. Y'all. Are you hearing me? Peter got it. despite his flaws, imperfections, massive screw-ups and fears... He followed Jesus with all that he had, all the love in his heart.

One of my favorite stories of Peter is when Jesus came out to them, walking on the water, and Peter said, "Lord if it's really you, tell me to come to you." Jesus said "Come" and Peter jumped out of the boat and started walking on the water. What. He. walked. on. water. Did you catch that? Talk about strong faith... Peter believed, and Jesus sustained. We know that when Peter stopped looking at Jesus and started looking at the wind and the waves he got scared and started to sink (who wouldn't? It's the middle of a storm, remember??) But Jesus -that gracious, compassionate, ever-faithful Savior of ours- reached out his hand and lifted him where he was sinking. "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt Me?" Yes, indeed. Why, in our humanity, are we so quick to doubt the One who even this moment is sustaining you- keeping your heart beating and the breath moving in and out of your lungs, blood and oxygen perfusing the tissues of your body so you can wiggle those fingers and toes, the neurons in your brain synapsing millions of time as you read this and think ...and all of this without you controlling a bit of it... because He is sustaining you.

I think we can learn a lot from Peter. I know I am. Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a journey and then looked around and wondered how exactly did I get here? Well, that's me. Right now. I think this particular journey started back in May, walking the polished floors of St. Peter's Basilica and the cobblestone streets of Italy. No, that's not a coincidence. It's a God-thing. Learning to let the Holy Spirit move freely in my life has been a process, because for so long I have tried to control everything and plan every detail of my life. But like Peter, I know there is no where I want to go except following hard after Jesus... so the doubt has to stop. I have to jump out of the boat where I have been fruitlessly wrestling with the sails, the wind and salt stinging my face as I try to keep the boat on course by sheer willpower and brute strength, trying trying trying to make life fit some manageable plan and refusing to admit defeat.... but I have to look up, beyond myself, into the scary unknown ...Isn't that Jesus? He's walking on water???! Forget this... Hey Jesus! I want to be where you are! 

And He said Come.

And I'm going to the Philippines this summer.

I jumped out of the boat, and yep these waves are pretty big and scary, not going to lie.

But my eyes are on my Sustainer.

He knows the need.

He knows the cost of the trip, my lack of money, my inadequacy, my fears, my doubts, my insecurities... and He says come.

So I'll walk across the ocean with Him, and the freedom in this journey is blowing my mind, one step at a time.

Truly, my friend, His faithfulness endures forever, and when He says "Come" He will not let you sink.

So, what are you waiting for??? GO. Follow Him. He alone has the words of eternal life.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the water

wherever you would call me...

And I did end the post there but I can't... not without telling you of a few of the ways He has already been faithful...

This trip wasn't my idea at all, I thought I would be going back to Camp Highland this summer... but God had other plans that involved getting me out of the comfortable and seeing just how far I would trust Him. So I heard about the trip through Nehemiah Teams and I applied, and found out there were more connections and confirmations than I had dreamed of, and then I got accepted to the Rural Healthcare team and starting writing letters... but I had to buy plane tickets and the price kept going up and I didn't have the money... and God provided. Money from school that was "leftover" from last semester that I could use until the support comes in (because I need that money to pay back loans). And He sent wise friends to help me not stress and navigate the confusing websites of international airlines to buy plane tickets in the middle of the crazy of a brand new semester of nursing school and the overwhelming responsibilities... and so my plane tickets are purchased and I'm in the place of waiting and praying and trusting that He will continue to provide... because I desperately want to have trust in Him that eclipses the borders of my plan, the known, the comfortable, the familiar... and reaches far to step amongst the waves and shout the glory of His faithfulness.

Please join me in praying for this journey!

Much love.