That white blank page.
The blinking cursor…
…waiting for words, any words that could maybe capture all the mountains and
valleys and long muddy roads and sparkling bright joys of this year. But words
are hard.
If you could see me now, my foot tapping with impatience
that my brain can’t quite spit out the words fast enough because surely there
are more things to do and I don’t have time to sit here and process…
But, in actuality, it’s December. I made it through the
crazy hard semester and the reverse culture shock and the feeling that my heart
was ripped into tiny pieces and scattered on the wind when I boarded the plane
on that steaming hot day at the end of July. I can rest. I can breathe deep and look at the lights and reflect
on all the glittering moments of 2014, with the startling parallel of mud and
hard and an ugly broken sinner-girl.
It makes me catch my breath in surprise when I look back
wide-eyed at the days past. I grew up.
I’m not sure if it was when the dust of freshly poured concrete caught my hot
wet tears in that packed out church in the mountains of Maibu, where the people
I love pressed close and the heat was okay because this, together, worshipping,
thanksgiving, this is what life is about... or maybe it was when I stepped off
the plane and realities collided and I started learning about letting go and in
brushing shoulders with people in LAX and Dallas who didn’t give me a second
glance because I look just like them I wondered at the stories hidden behind
the busy rushing and dark circles under eyes… or maybe it was when the fall
semester started back and I had to jump right into days packed full to the
minute and all the studying that pushed relationships to the wayside and left
my heart longing for depth and intentionality… or maybe it was a combination of
all of the above and the months prior when God held me close and taught me to
love adventure and choose joy and love deeply because we only pass through this
life once.
Oh I wish words weren’t so hard. I wish that I could spill
my heart right out on this page so that you could see all that God has done for
this ungraceful sinner-girl, so that you could see that yes His faithful love
endures forever!
This grace is a gift, this life is a gift, and I don’t want
to let the sparkly (and not so sparkling) moments of this year pass me by
without holding them up to the light once more. Maybe you are interested in how
God makes a doubting heart have faith, or maybe you just want to join me in
laughing in giddy delight at the rainbows these crystal memories splash on the wall
because they are made beautiful in the Light… either way, here’s my journal of
the journey.
“That’s the painful
part about becoming a new person: you want to hold on and let go all at once.” -Hannah
Brencher
Expectations murder relationships. People are people. That means
they change. When you put someone in a box of your expectations, you limit them
and they can’t be all they are meant to be. People don’t stay the same forever,
nor do they stay in your life in the same way forever. And this perfectionistic
type A personality over here usually ends up disappointed when she starts
hanging expectations like measuring tapes on the wall. Let it go. Let them go.
Maybe the beautiful they are meant to be is more than you can imagine, and
distance or change that seems so hurtful is actually a vehicle for beautiful growth.
And while you’re at it? Let go of that gold medal you are holding onto so
tightly. You know the one I’m talking about… the one with your name written all
scripted that promises all your dreams will come true if you just do more or act
better… the elusive taunt of perfection that always rings painfully dull
because our efforts will never get us the gold. In fact, it’s in the letting go
and giving grace that you find your
way again. By giving grace I am stepping closer to the perfection of my Savior
and His refining fire makes that gold medal shrivel like the cheap souvenir of
success that it is. And grace glimmers brighter than that Christmas tree decked
out in crystal and lights. Grace is
strength and beauty in the refining fire, because our faith is of greater worth
than gold (1 Peter 1:7).
Loving people is hard. I still don’t really know how to get
it right. Keep trying. Let His love fill you and spill out all over everywhere
like some refreshing fountain that doesn’t diminish no matter where it is
placed.
Goodbyes are so hard. I try to avoid them if I can but then
there’s this irony of fearing to miss the goodbyes because there is no closure
and also needing to run away like the word goodbye is some terrible monster
that can swallow me whole. I don’t have much to say about this yet. I am
dreading graduation for this reason. Leaning hard on the One I will never have
to say goodbye to helps… because I know that this life with Jesus is some kind
of adventure and if I let go of these and climb the next mountain there will be
more happy people and places to meet and know and love. But I never stop loving
those people I let go. You know how the Grinch’s heart grew 3 sizes that day?
Well, every time I say goodbye I think my heart grows a little bit. The people
I knew I continue to love, and my heart opens a bit wider to let new people in…
so if I ever refuse to say goodbye to you, know it’s because you remain in my
heart despite the distance. “Never say goodbye
because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting” –Peter Pan
Forgiveness is necessary. Bitterness poisons joy. Life can’t
be happy with an unforgiving heart. Unforgiving hearts also have trouble giving
grace and love. Forgive. It makes life easier.
My Jesus never fails. He is always faithful. He has been
challenging me to trust His promises and then just sit back and watch what He
can do. That the One who knows the entirety of the universe, every star by
name, would take the time to romance this awkward, doubting, fearful
sinner-girl will always blow my mind. He has answered countless prayers, and He
took me across the ocean and then loved through me when I was struggling to
adjust. He strengthened me and led people to grace through me. He spoke life
through me and I saw healing happen and warriors born because God fulfills His
purposes, even through unworthy people like me. Oh now words are really failing
me because I can’t make you see that mud-floor bamboo hut crowded with men,
women, and children as the Gospel story was told for the billionth time in
history but the first time for them and the rejoicing that came in the
following weeks as they one by one decided to trust that mysterious Faithful
One who loved them enough to die on a cross for their wrongdoing and then send
some funny American girls to tell them about Ginoo (Lord Jesus). And the baptism party at the river when the
church gathered ‘round and we sang praises and laughed until we cried at the
naked children splashing in the pool and the new believers rising from immersion
shouting with joy, and the dishes passed around and the rice piled on banana
leaves and the coconut juice straight from fresh coconuts… and the prayers of a
people redeemed and rejoicing in the relationship we have with the Father! Oh
do you see it? Do you see why my heart will never ever be the same? Do you see
how faithful our Jesus is? And how, even if we aren’t faithful, he still uses
us despite our fears? Amazing.
And one last thing. Take
time to see the lights. Let’s camp out here for a minute, okay? I am so
extremely grateful for every friend who has shared a meal, a laugh, a hug, a
cup of coffee or tea, or an episode of Gilmore Girls that I didn’t have time to
watch …with me this semester. My heart needed it more than you will ever know. Coming
from living in a culture that values relationships to a culture obsessed with
squeezing all the productivity out of every second of the day… was exhausting.
My people reminded me to stop and breathe and see the lights. They helped me
count joys and prayed through the struggles. Laughter is one of my love
languages I think, and the ones who laughed with me or made me laugh gave me
the gift of community and being known. You people made me glad to be in America
when my heart was otherwise longing to take flight across the ocean. I keep Christmas
lights in my room year round because the warm sparkle makes my heart happy, but
now it is actually the season for them. So, go out and see the lights. Take a
break from that to-do list, that busy schedule, that voice in your head that
says you don’t have time… and breathe in the air that smells of winter with a
hint of fir and hot cocoa (oh yeah, don’t forget the hot cocoa!) while your
eyes find those twinkle lights that try to mimic the stars. Like tiny twinkles
of hope for the days ahead… because the darkness never has the last word where
there is Light.
Much love and many warm and merry wishes,
Amanda
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