For the girls with big sweaters and thirsty hearts

Am I the only one who gets a little sad on the day after Christmas? All the feels. The world is moving on to the next big thing, the presents have been unwrapped and those bows made to sit just right have been unceremoniously tossed in the trash. Soon the boxes will come out to pack away the sparkling lights and handmade ornaments, the nativity scenes and jingle bells… they will once again find their home in the attic, waiting in the dark until it is the season of Light once again. It has always made me sad but I never stopped to think why until this year. I dismissively thought it was the kid in me wanting to hold on to happy Christmas music, lazy days with family, the extra sweets lying around, and all the pretty lights everywhere… but perhaps it goes a bit deeper.

Christmas is the coming of our hope.

That Jesus came to earth to be born as a human so he could one day sacrifice himself on the cross and take my punishment, so that I might know his eternal love… that is the Hope that was born on Christmas day all those years ago. (Yes, I’m aware that it is controversial and He probably wasn’t born on the exact day we celebrate Christmas, but that is the day we choose to celebrate His birth so just stick with me, okay?)

Emmanuel. God with us.

That means Christmas is not an ending of a season of joy… but a beginning! Hope doesn't end because the decorations are packed away and the stores no longer play happy Christmas music. Hope doesn't end because family and friends are scattered and we go back to the mundane.

Hope lives in our hearts and the only sadness comes from focusing on the external rather than the internal… oh Amanda, imagine what would happen if you carried this hope + peace + joy + love into the regular every day of the new year! What an adventure that would be! God with us. Do you see it? Stop living like it’s hopeless, stop letting sadness and stress control you, stop being that person you don’t want to be because hope is here. If we could but catch on to that, how things might change! Do you hear the joy? We don’t have to do this life-thing alone, because God is with us. I know you know this. So did I. But my life didn’t look like I believed it (and sometimes it still does not).

One of my favorite authors, Ann Voskamp once said, “All fear is but the notion that God’s love ends.” But His love doesn’t end. So we don’t have to fear. So this coming year filled with the unknown doesn’t look quite so scary, and I don’t feel the need to plan every moment and stress about what’s next and how this-and-that will work out… because I have the peace of knowing that He is with me. He is not going anywhere.

But I’m human and I know it probably won’t even be a week before something happens and my forgetful heart gets frightened and the stress starts to climb back on my shoulders like some unforgiving weight… and this doubting Israelite will pull out the ratty oversized sweater of doubt and self-reliance and in putting it on again this sinner-girl will try to control and try to fix and try to make better… and the sweater will sap my strength and steal my joy and refuse to acknowledge peace because surely I’m too broken for Him to worry with me right now and once I get this sorted out we can walk together again.

And that Jesus who loves so much that He would leave His throne to come down and take the form of a baby, knowing that His purpose was to die for a people who rejected Him… He will just shake His head and whisper “Come.” He will offer a beautiful white dress that I left in a puddle at His feet to slip on the shabby sweater. Tears come as I see that my favorite dress- the one that makes me feel like a princess, it makes me radiant and my feet dance with joy- it is not stained from the mud I dropped it in but has new radiance from where He touched it… and I want that but I know I don’t deserve it… so I pull the sweater tight around me and keep saying, “I’ll figure it out. Maybe if I try harder I will do better at this life thing…” …and I reject Him and His gift again, so soon after proclaiming the joy and peace that knowing Him brings.

But this Jesus who loves so well, this persistent perfect Savior doesn’t leave me alone. He doesn’t give up on me. Instead He lights my way with coffee dates that speak life to my heart, breathtaking sunsets, hugs, songs, and Words that penetrate straight through that stained sweater to the longing heart beneath… “Come, Amanda. You who are weary and forgetful. Come, beloved. Come to my table, and be satisfied. I love you. I will never stop loving you.”

And that love echoes through the dark and the hard and takes the blinders off for just a moment and I remember… the answered prayers and impossible things and miracles and joys and hope and LIGHT …and He is still that Faithful God and oh I have been so foolish again! So I take off the sweater and pull on the dress. And it fits just right. So I spin and laugh and reclaim the joy and peace and love and hope… it never left, but my eyes were too busy looking at the darkness and fearing what may be to see the light and what is.

So maybe you're rolling your eyes at the analogy, but if you stop and get real with yourself for a second, doesn't the peace of this picture appeal to you? Aren't you thirsty for real satisfaction? Because who doesn't love a pretty dress that makes them feel radiant and confident and free? And you can't think about the way He loves us and cares for us, in spite of our stubborness, without feeling a little bit of giddy delight and a overwhelming realization: I am loved. I am chosen. I am not forgotten. No matter what the world says, no matter how they name you, if you are a child of God, your name is Beloved.

Life is a beautiful adventure. I want to live every moment and follow Jesus every step. I want to hold tight to hope and rest in His love and joy and peace. I want to be satisfied in Him. Because it’s not about what I can do, but the gift that He has so graciously given to every one of us. It’s not about pasting on a smile in the hard things but trusting in the One who has never ever failed His children. God doesn’t drop His babies on their heads.

So put on your dress, girl. Pull out those sparkly dancing shoes. Let’s keep celebrating the Hope we have and trusting the Star-breather to lead us through this life-dance.

Christmas may be over, but the celebration is just beginning.

Come.

 “Come, everyone who thirsts,

come to the waters;

and he who has no money,

come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk

without money and without price.

Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread,

and your labor for that which does not satisfy?

Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good,

and delight yourselves in rich food.

Incline your ear, and come to me;

hear, that your soul may live;

and I will make with you an everlasting covenant,

my steadfast, sure love for David.

Behold, I made him a witness to the peoples,

a leader and commander for the peoples.

Behold, you shall call a nation that you do not know,

and a nation that did not know you shall run to you,

because of the Lord your God, and of the Holy One of Israel,

for he has glorified you.

“Seek the Lord while he may be found;

call upon him while he is near;

let the wicked forsake his way,

and the unrighteous man his thoughts;

let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,

and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.

(Isaiah 55:1-7)

holding on & letting go

That white blank page.

The blinking cursor…

…waiting for words, any words that could maybe capture all the mountains and valleys and long muddy roads and sparkling bright joys of this year. But words are hard.

If you could see me now, my foot tapping with impatience that my brain can’t quite spit out the words fast enough because surely there are more things to do and I don’t have time to sit here and process…

But, in actuality, it’s December. I made it through the crazy hard semester and the reverse culture shock and the feeling that my heart was ripped into tiny pieces and scattered on the wind when I boarded the plane on that steaming hot day at the end of July. I can rest. I can breathe deep and look at the lights and reflect on all the glittering moments of 2014, with the startling parallel of mud and hard and an ugly broken sinner-girl.

It makes me catch my breath in surprise when I look back wide-eyed at the days past. I grew up. I’m not sure if it was when the dust of freshly poured concrete caught my hot wet tears in that packed out church in the mountains of Maibu, where the people I love pressed close and the heat was okay because this, together, worshipping, thanksgiving, this is what life is about... or maybe it was when I stepped off the plane and realities collided and I started learning about letting go and in brushing shoulders with people in LAX and Dallas who didn’t give me a second glance because I look just like them I wondered at the stories hidden behind the busy rushing and dark circles under eyes… or maybe it was when the fall semester started back and I had to jump right into days packed full to the minute and all the studying that pushed relationships to the wayside and left my heart longing for depth and intentionality… or maybe it was a combination of all of the above and the months prior when God held me close and taught me to love adventure and choose joy and love deeply because we only pass through this life once.

Oh I wish words weren’t so hard. I wish that I could spill my heart right out on this page so that you could see all that God has done for this ungraceful sinner-girl, so that you could see that yes His faithful love endures forever!

This grace is a gift, this life is a gift, and I don’t want to let the sparkly (and not so sparkling) moments of this year pass me by without holding them up to the light once more. Maybe you are interested in how God makes a doubting heart have faith, or maybe you just want to join me in laughing in giddy delight at the rainbows these crystal memories splash on the wall because they are made beautiful in the Light… either way, here’s my journal of the journey.

“That’s the painful part about becoming a new person: you want to hold on and let go all at once.”           -Hannah Brencher

Expectations murder relationships. People are people. That means they change. When you put someone in a box of your expectations, you limit them and they can’t be all they are meant to be. People don’t stay the same forever, nor do they stay in your life in the same way forever. And this perfectionistic type A personality over here usually ends up disappointed when she starts hanging expectations like measuring tapes on the wall. Let it go. Let them go. Maybe the beautiful they are meant to be is more than you can imagine, and distance or change that seems so hurtful is actually a vehicle for beautiful growth. And while you’re at it? Let go of that gold medal you are holding onto so tightly. You know the one I’m talking about… the one with your name written all scripted that promises all your dreams will come true if you just do more or act better… the elusive taunt of perfection that always rings painfully dull because our efforts will never get us the gold. In fact, it’s in the letting go and giving grace that you find your way again. By giving grace I am stepping closer to the perfection of my Savior and His refining fire makes that gold medal shrivel like the cheap souvenir of success that it is. And grace glimmers brighter than that Christmas tree decked out in crystal and lights. Grace is strength and beauty in the refining fire, because our faith is of greater worth than gold (1 Peter 1:7).

Loving people is hard. I still don’t really know how to get it right. Keep trying. Let His love fill you and spill out all over everywhere like some refreshing fountain that doesn’t diminish no matter where it is placed.

Goodbyes are so hard. I try to avoid them if I can but then there’s this irony of fearing to miss the goodbyes because there is no closure and also needing to run away like the word goodbye is some terrible monster that can swallow me whole. I don’t have much to say about this yet. I am dreading graduation for this reason. Leaning hard on the One I will never have to say goodbye to helps… because I know that this life with Jesus is some kind of adventure and if I let go of these and climb the next mountain there will be more happy people and places to meet and know and love. But I never stop loving those people I let go. You know how the Grinch’s heart grew 3 sizes that day? Well, every time I say goodbye I think my heart grows a little bit. The people I knew I continue to love, and my heart opens a bit wider to let new people in… so if I ever refuse to say goodbye to you, know it’s because you remain in my heart despite the distance. “Never say goodbye because goodbye means going away and going away means forgetting” –Peter Pan

Forgiveness is necessary. Bitterness poisons joy. Life can’t be happy with an unforgiving heart. Unforgiving hearts also have trouble giving grace and love. Forgive. It makes life easier.

My Jesus never fails. He is always faithful. He has been challenging me to trust His promises and then just sit back and watch what He can do. That the One who knows the entirety of the universe, every star by name, would take the time to romance this awkward, doubting, fearful sinner-girl will always blow my mind. He has answered countless prayers, and He took me across the ocean and then loved through me when I was struggling to adjust. He strengthened me and led people to grace through me. He spoke life through me and I saw healing happen and warriors born because God fulfills His purposes, even through unworthy people like me. Oh now words are really failing me because I can’t make you see that mud-floor bamboo hut crowded with men, women, and children as the Gospel story was told for the billionth time in history but the first time for them and the rejoicing that came in the following weeks as they one by one decided to trust that mysterious Faithful One who loved them enough to die on a cross for their wrongdoing and then send some funny American girls to tell them about Ginoo (Lord Jesus). And the baptism party at the river when the church gathered ‘round and we sang praises and laughed until we cried at the naked children splashing in the pool and the new believers rising from immersion shouting with joy, and the dishes passed around and the rice piled on banana leaves and the coconut juice straight from fresh coconuts… and the prayers of a people redeemed and rejoicing in the relationship we have with the Father! Oh do you see it? Do you see why my heart will never ever be the same? Do you see how faithful our Jesus is? And how, even if we aren’t faithful, he still uses us despite our fears? Amazing.

And one last thing. Take time to see the lights. Let’s camp out here for a minute, okay? I am so extremely grateful for every friend who has shared a meal, a laugh, a hug, a cup of coffee or tea, or an episode of Gilmore Girls that I didn’t have time to watch …with me this semester. My heart needed it more than you will ever know. Coming from living in a culture that values relationships to a culture obsessed with squeezing all the productivity out of every second of the day… was exhausting. My people reminded me to stop and breathe and see the lights. They helped me count joys and prayed through the struggles. Laughter is one of my love languages I think, and the ones who laughed with me or made me laugh gave me the gift of community and being known. You people made me glad to be in America when my heart was otherwise longing to take flight across the ocean. I keep Christmas lights in my room year round because the warm sparkle makes my heart happy, but now it is actually the season for them. So, go out and see the lights. Take a break from that to-do list, that busy schedule, that voice in your head that says you don’t have time… and breathe in the air that smells of winter with a hint of fir and hot cocoa (oh yeah, don’t forget the hot cocoa!) while your eyes find those twinkle lights that try to mimic the stars. Like tiny twinkles of hope for the days ahead… because the darkness never has the last word where there is Light.

Oh come, let us adore Him! He is Christ, the Lord!

Much love and many warm and merry wishes,

Amanda