a glimpse of my heart

My suitcases are packed and I'm counting down. One short day until I leave for camp; then on Monday the adventure will begin. Tonight I was reflecting on the journey thus far. I didn't have time to blog while this was all happening, but it was a roller coaster ride that led up to the decision that I was to work at Camp Highland this summer. So, friends, join me on a journey to the past that shouts of God's goodness even in the midst of my doubt...
Let me start with a quote from David Livingston that best captures my heart when it comes to reaching the nations:
"Lord send me anywhere, only go with me.
Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.
Sever any tie but the tie that binds me to Thy service and Thy heart."
I heard this in my Intercultural Studies class, which is fitting since I left that class many days with tears in my eyes and a certainty that if I had the money I would be on a plane within the hour- going to some people somewhere who had never heard the Gospel. Have you ever had your heart hurt so bad it felt like it was breaking... for people you have never even met? Have you ever heard statistics and been able to put faces with the apalling numbers? Have you ever wanted to take someone's pain away so much that you were willing to give up everything if only you could find a way to help them? Have you ever wondered why we have so much but others have so little? Have you ever cried for the thousands that have never heard of Jesus because we are too comfortable here in America to go and tell them? I have. I have cried. I have prayed. Yet  I am here, in America. I want to go. Every single day I ask God why I am still here, when it seems like I could do so much more over there... and He says wait. He says to trust Him. So I do. But my heart still hurts for the millions who are malnourished... for the poor little feet that bleed and swell for lack of shoes... for the tears of hoplessness shed in the face of disease that could be prevented if only they had money for medical care... for the children without homes, roaming the streets without parents... for the filth of poverty and the lost eyes that have no reason to live and so choose to give up... but in these tear-filled eyes, precious feet, and disease-ridden little bodies I see a purpose for which God created them... a purpose they will never discover if someone doesn't tell them that they are important and loved. They need food in their bellies, a bath, and a hug... and they need to know my Jesus who heals and restores and redeems and adopts. He can be a father to the 143 million orphaned children. He can be the Bread of Life and Healer to the 11 million who die from starvation and preventable disease. He can set free the 8.5 million who are child prostitutes and slaves. But someone has to go and tell them about Him. Someone has to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I want to be that someone.
I tell you all of this because it is part of my story. It is part of my story because it weighs on my heart. These needy children and lost people are the reason I am not satisfied with my life in America. I do not claim to be better than anyone, I have simply seen the magnitude of the need and I know my God commands that I do something about it. This is why I am going to be a medical missionary. This is the only reason I stay in college. College is ridiculously expensive, but I know as a nurse I can meet physical needs and open the door for the gospel. I was not made for the First World. I was a broken, filthy beggar and God looked at me, calling me his child, and gave me the Bread of Life. I was made for the Third World- to take this Bread and offer it to other beggars... because I am just like them and the hope I have is for them too.
That was a very long rabbit trail, but a necessary glimpse of my heart. Back to the story: I applied to work CentriKid camp this summer, but I was put on the waiting list. I was sure that was the plan God had for me, so when it fell through I was devastated. I also wanted desperately to do international missions, but I felt like God was telling me to wait, that he needed to grow me more and He would do that through a camp setting. So, after I was wait listed for CentriKid I began to look into other options. I heard about Camp Highland through my friend Jenni at church, so I applied. I also applied to WinShape. By this point I knew that God had put the country of India on my heart. I looked into IMB summer mission trips to India. I didn't find any that would work with my schedule and talents, so I focused my attention on camps. After interviewing for both camps, I went back online to check for more IMB trips to India. I found one trip with one opening left on the team, and it was exactly what I wanted to do- 2 months in India, going to unreached people groups with the Gospel, planting churches, discipleship, and proclaiming Jesus while blending into the culture in native clothing. I prayed about it and felt like God was leading me to apply. I had to get my passport information from my mother, who voiced some hesitation about me going that far by myself and how I would pay for it. I knew if it was God's will He would provide, and I would go. But what was God's will? While my application was being processed, I received a call from Camp Highland offering me a job as a summer camp counselor. I was ecstatic. I prayed about it, and I had peace about accepting the job, but I wondered what to do about India. I hadn't heard back from them and I still really wanted to go. I accepted the job with Camp Highland, and my prayer became, "Please, please, please Father let the IMB say no to my India application!" That was Thursday... on Saturday I received and email from the IMB saying that my application had been approved and I was on the team to go to India. I cried. This wasn't supposed to happen. This team was so selective and I didn't think I was nearly qualified enough! How did I get that spot? Was I supposed to take it and tell Camp Highland no? I locked the door to my dorm room, got on my knees and sobbed to my Father. How could He do this? What was I supposed to choose? What was His will? I knew I needed to search the Word, but where do you even start with a question like that??? With blurry eyes, tears sprinkling the pages, I opened to my reading for the day- and God spoke. Psalm 86:4,11-12,16-17; Isaiah 30:1,12-15,18-22; Is. 32:2-4... God showed me that although India was his plan for me I had taken that gift (a passion and a burden for a people group is a gift) and I ran with it. I was so excited to know that I rushed blindly ahead of God and forged my own path. Instead of walking with God I ran ahead of Him, and when I looked back to see if He was following I realized that the gift had lost its beauty. When a gift is taken away from God's perfect timing it turns into rags and peices of trash...because it becomes my dream, my way, instead of the beautiful gem of God's plan, God's way. I was filled with anxiety and fear because the dream was slipping through my fingers... but God was standing there, wiping the tears from my eyes, saying "My dear child, stop running. Give me back that dream, that gift, that promise. It never was yours to hang onto. It is too big for you to carry. Surrender it to me." So there, on the floor of my dorm room I tearfully surrendered the gift that was never mine to the Giver who was the only one big enough to hold onto it for me. Part of that surrender meant letting go of my plan. My plan had been to show how much I trusted God by going on the India trip and letting Him work miracles and bring the money together in just a few short months. That was going to be my leap of faith. But He didn't ask that of me. Like Abraham with Isaac, the knife raised to slay his only son, I had my future on the altar, ready to sacrifice the known for the unknown... and God provided another way. He said "I know you are willing... but not this time." It hurt. I was relieved that I didn't have to take that leap of faith just yet, but a dream was dying. I longed to go to India, because that was the passion God had put inside me. How could He ask me to wait? Because He is the Giver of the gift... and He never breaks His promises. "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends. With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9 This verse comforted me and gave me peace. Not only was it confirming that God would fulfill His promise and I would go to India one day in His time, it was also a reminder that God loves those people so much more than I do. He does not want them to die and go to hell either. He desires the salvation of their souls more fiercely than I do. Knowing that, I can rest assured that his timing is perfect and He will take me to India when He desires to use me there. Until then, I am to be used by Him here. I am to bring Him glory and share the Gospel as a counselor at Camp Highland this summer. I couldn't be more excited. My heart still longs for India, but I have an unexplainable peace that His will is for me to work camp this summer, and wait for His timing for India.
Now you can see why I am eagerly anticipating this summer. I know God is going to stretch me and grow me in new ways. His plan for me exceeds anything I could imagine, and if being in the center of His will means remaining in America for a bit longer (even though I don't understand)- I will obey.
Glory to God.