To die...

I didn't know it would look like this.

When I painted the quote on bits of burlap and cardboard at the beginning of this school year, I had no idea what was coming. I happily hung it in the living room of our apartment, over the verse from Colossians 3:2-3 "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." I didn't know this simple quote from Peter Pan and a long-ago memorized verse from Colossians would stare back at me many months later as a glaring reminder... it IS an adventure. But not the kind I would have ever chosen. Isn't it funny though? Adventures seem to work that way. You don't necessarily get to pick what kind you want, but you do get to pick your response. Now where is my focus? As I sit in the living room with my miles-long to-do list, heart full of questions, no answers, no relief in sight... just a word to fix my mind on things above.... I'm learning. Trusting God means keeping my focus ever upward. Before I get out of bed in the morning, looking up and saying I can't do this without you Jesus. The death of myself- I thought I died long ago, when I gave my heart to Jesus- is a daily thing. Choosing HIS will, not mine. Trusting HIS timing, not my control. Recognizing that I am nothing and I can't fix this, but I. know. the. One. who. can.
And there is peace in that. So I choose adventure over comfort, because with each faltering step, I am becoming more like my Jesus.
Dying means losing control of yourself. This perfectionist, slightly OCD, planner personality really dislikes being out of control... and this semester is a picture of chaos. I have no control. And God is good in my mess. He is still in the details. He is Faithful. So today, this minute, I will choose joy by remembering, "It is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come" 2 Corinthians 1:21-22. He isn't done with me yet. This morning I was clinging to Psalm 9:10, "Those who know your name will trust in You, for You, O Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You."
And so I will keep finding beauty in these ashes, because the Refiner's fire is making me whole...
"I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call upon my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'the Lord is our God'" Zechariah 13:9

If you want to say a prayer for this weary heart, I would be so thankful. Pray that I continue to choose joy and trust God. Pray for the people of the Philippines where I will be spending my summer and the team I will be working with. Pray for God to provide. I am confident He will.
God be with you.
Amanda

When it gets hard(er).

Therefore, we do not lose heart...

Having faith when the rough slaps you in the face and leaves you reeling in confusion is much harder than when you're thinking about it theoretically while sipping a cup of tea on a sunny day. Currently, I'm reeling. This wasn't supposed to happen. Why me? And as soon as these thoughts pop up, I'm immediately frustrated with myself. I'm breathing, aren't I? (The answer is yes, I am.) Therefore, it's not that bad. I am okay. It's not the end of the world. It's amazing how many times a day I have to tell myself this. Why do I so quickly think, just because life got a bit harder, that God has abandoned me or that He's punishing me? Have I really bought into that lie of the "prosperity gospel"? Heavens, I hope not. That's not okay. Long story short, my car is totaled due to some black ice and the ensuing physics of a little white car spinning out of control on a freezing night a couple days past, ending with a terrified girl climbing out, unhurt but car-less. Thankfully, dear friends were nearby to help and comfort me, and this family of friends have been supportive ever since, offering rides and "whatever I need." So, why am I so shaken/disturbed/torn up about this?? Is it because Chloe Roxanne (wait, you don't name your car?? You should.), my constant companion and almost-reliable friend for 6 years bit the dust? In part, yes. That car holds many happy memories and she's now being sold for parts (it's okay to grab a tissue, I'm tearing up over here too). I think a bigger part of my despondency is due to the lack of freedom this causes. This gypsy heart does not enjoy sitting in one place for very long, and these out-of-shape legs can only get me so far. Yeah, people have graciously offered to help transport me, but that just makes me feel like I'm inconveniencing the world. Maybe I'm too independent. I don't know.
I do know that God is teaching me something through this. Probably something about trust and His faithfulness because I all too often have a heart full of doubt when I can't see how this fits with the plan or any possible way to work it out. Right now, any semblance of a plan I had is in shambles. Shattered like a ceramic mug on a cement floor. Gone. Hopelessly broken. And I don't know where to even begin picking up the pieces. How will any of this work out? I have no idea.
....But I don't have to know. I have to trust. That is easier said than done, but God knows I'm trying. Trying to get this restless heart to stop fighting and listen. To wait in the stillness and frustration and know that I can't work this out, I can't fix it, but I know the One who can. And so I surrender. Whatever He is doing, it's bigger than me and my lack of car, and if this makes me more like Him, then yes, the hard is worth it.
Choosing joy, AG

But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us...For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

(2 Corinthians 4)

Trust without borders

Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life, and we have believed, and have come to know, that you are the Holy One of God."

John 6:68-69

I can identify so much with Peter. Following his story in the Bible, you see how real and human he was. This is the guy who cut off the guard's ear in a fit of passion, trying to protect Jesus... the guy who spoke out of turn, acted impulsively, doubted despite everything, denied Christ when it counted because he was scared.... yet Jesus called him the Rock on which he was going to build his church. Because despite Peter's glaring flaws, he LOVED Jesus. More than anything. He left his life behind to follow Him, and he served with humility. Despite his doubts, Peter didn't always blow it. Sometimes he was the only one who got it right. That quote above? That's what Peter said after Jesus gave his disturbing speech about his body being eaten like bread and his blood poured out like wine to drink. After that memorable speech, many turned back and no longer followed him, and the disciples grumbled among themselves. Jesus asked if they too would go away, and Peter nailed it- where would we go??? YOU are the only one worth following, worth giving one's life for. Peter believed this so much that he was later martyred for his faith, on an upside down cross because he refused to be crucified right side up, considering himself not worthy to die in the exact same manner as Jesus. Y'all. Are you hearing me? Peter got it. despite his flaws, imperfections, massive screw-ups and fears... He followed Jesus with all that he had, all the love in his heart.

One of my favorite stories of Peter is when Jesus came out to them, walking on the water, and Peter said, "Lord if it's really you, tell me to come to you." Jesus said "Come" and Peter jumped out of the boat and started walking on the water. What. He. walked. on. water. Did you catch that? Talk about strong faith... Peter believed, and Jesus sustained. We know that when Peter stopped looking at Jesus and started looking at the wind and the waves he got scared and started to sink (who wouldn't? It's the middle of a storm, remember??) But Jesus -that gracious, compassionate, ever-faithful Savior of ours- reached out his hand and lifted him where he was sinking. "Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt Me?" Yes, indeed. Why, in our humanity, are we so quick to doubt the One who even this moment is sustaining you- keeping your heart beating and the breath moving in and out of your lungs, blood and oxygen perfusing the tissues of your body so you can wiggle those fingers and toes, the neurons in your brain synapsing millions of time as you read this and think ...and all of this without you controlling a bit of it... because He is sustaining you.

I think we can learn a lot from Peter. I know I am. Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a journey and then looked around and wondered how exactly did I get here? Well, that's me. Right now. I think this particular journey started back in May, walking the polished floors of St. Peter's Basilica and the cobblestone streets of Italy. No, that's not a coincidence. It's a God-thing. Learning to let the Holy Spirit move freely in my life has been a process, because for so long I have tried to control everything and plan every detail of my life. But like Peter, I know there is no where I want to go except following hard after Jesus... so the doubt has to stop. I have to jump out of the boat where I have been fruitlessly wrestling with the sails, the wind and salt stinging my face as I try to keep the boat on course by sheer willpower and brute strength, trying trying trying to make life fit some manageable plan and refusing to admit defeat.... but I have to look up, beyond myself, into the scary unknown ...Isn't that Jesus? He's walking on water???! Forget this... Hey Jesus! I want to be where you are! 

And He said Come.

And I'm going to the Philippines this summer.

I jumped out of the boat, and yep these waves are pretty big and scary, not going to lie.

But my eyes are on my Sustainer.

He knows the need.

He knows the cost of the trip, my lack of money, my inadequacy, my fears, my doubts, my insecurities... and He says come.

So I'll walk across the ocean with Him, and the freedom in this journey is blowing my mind, one step at a time.

Truly, my friend, His faithfulness endures forever, and when He says "Come" He will not let you sink.

So, what are you waiting for??? GO. Follow Him. He alone has the words of eternal life.

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the water

wherever you would call me...

And I did end the post there but I can't... not without telling you of a few of the ways He has already been faithful...

This trip wasn't my idea at all, I thought I would be going back to Camp Highland this summer... but God had other plans that involved getting me out of the comfortable and seeing just how far I would trust Him. So I heard about the trip through Nehemiah Teams and I applied, and found out there were more connections and confirmations than I had dreamed of, and then I got accepted to the Rural Healthcare team and starting writing letters... but I had to buy plane tickets and the price kept going up and I didn't have the money... and God provided. Money from school that was "leftover" from last semester that I could use until the support comes in (because I need that money to pay back loans). And He sent wise friends to help me not stress and navigate the confusing websites of international airlines to buy plane tickets in the middle of the crazy of a brand new semester of nursing school and the overwhelming responsibilities... and so my plane tickets are purchased and I'm in the place of waiting and praying and trusting that He will continue to provide... because I desperately want to have trust in Him that eclipses the borders of my plan, the known, the comfortable, the familiar... and reaches far to step amongst the waves and shout the glory of His faithfulness.

Please join me in praying for this journey!

Much love.

Twenty and free in Italy

2013 memories that make my heart happy

So much can happen in a year. Twentysomething and free...oh yes a year holds so much promise. However, part of me is a tiny bit doubtful that 2014 can top 2013... just glancing through the memories and throwing together a quick collage of some of moments makes me nostalgic for sure...exploring the streets of Italy with four other twentysomethings who happened to be the best traveling companions a girl could wish for, long summer days full of adventure at camp, my first semester of clinicals in nursing school, celebrating my 21st birthday surrounded by textbooks as I study for exams, a surprise visit from my best friend, being a maid of honor, and so much self-discovery...

One of the most surprising adventures of 2013 was my trip to Italy. Unexpected from the start, the way God worked out the details...wow

and the adventures in Venice and Florence and Rome... wow

so much happy...

Venice

Sometimes words are hard.

I want to tell of my adventures in Italy, but so much happened in those ten days, and how can words capture the awe and wonder I felt as I walked down the cobblestone streets that had felt the passage of centuries, and craned my neck to see up to the distant spires of the grand, beautiful buildings... walking through doorways that embrace thousands and finding rooms where the air is thick with history and footsteps are hushed in the presence of the great art and architecture. The cathedrals that seem to reach the very steps of heaven with the splendor of the sparkling stained glass windows and vaulted ceilings... that beckon you to come and kneel down, come and worship for the Lord is here. The excitement of finding the perfect little cafe on that out of the way alley, the exhilaration of the wind in your face and the mist from the Mediterranean sea tickling your nose on the vaporetta, the sweet goodness of stracciatella gelato sliding down your throat as the May sun kisses your face and the bustle of the city passes by... The Tuscan countryside flying by the window of the train, voices of varied cadence and language rising and falling in expression of emotion, standing shoulder to shoulder with strangers who are equally awestruck by the delicate yet fierce grandeur of the Forum and Colosseum... more cathedrals built to shout the splendor of our Savior and draw the eye ever upward in search of the Holy One...oh I wish I could just take you there! I don't know how to explain all I saw... brought to my knees in St. Peter's Basilica, moved to tears by the Peita, stilled by wonder in the Sistine Chapel, softly stepping through the maze of the catacombs while hearing of the early Christians who first met as the Roman church in those dark depths...

Roman Forum

And somewhere along the journey I found myself. Why I had to go to Italy, I don't know. Maybe I needed to be reminded how much bigger and older and grander this world is in comparison to myself. I needed to see the legacy left by great people and more importantly the legacy of people who did great Kingdom work. A pilgrimage of sorts, the climax-- reaching St. Peter's Basilica on Pentecost... just another day to most, but a striking reminder to me of what God can do with people who are completely sold out to him... 

"When the day of Pentecost arrived, they were all together in one place...and they were all filled with the Holy Spirit...Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. For the promise is for you and for your children and for all who are far off, everyone who the Lord our God calls to himself..." (Acts 2). The promise that He is within me, He is our Savior, and He will guide me. So much peace. It's okay to grow up, it's okay that things change... because I know the Unchanging One who is, has been, and will be...He is worthy of all of my worship. 

inside St. Peter's Basilica

I am so grateful for the freedom to travel and explore, it is truly the greatest gift to receive... because there's so much to discover about the world and my place in it. I love to learn, always seeking to see more of the Lord in every encounter, every footstep...And perhaps the most joyful discovery: no matter where in the world I go, He is never far from me.

"The God who made the world and everything in it, being the Lord of heaven and earth, does not live in temples made by man, nor is he served by human hands, as though he needed anything, since he himself gives to all mankind life and breath and everything. And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us." Acts 17:24-27

Ciao until next time ~Amanda

running into a sunset

You know the hard days? Those that seem to last for 3 days and everything that could go wrong does and you're just weary... they seem to happen all too often this semester. Monday was such a day, the stereotypical start-of-the week chaos. I finally decided that the only way to relieve any stress was to go for a run, otherwise the tears and frustration would keep flowing. With my face set and running shoes on I headed for the woods and ran until I couldn't breathe. The thoughts in my head were scattered and jumbled and still fogged with the stress of the day... but I did notice that the rain and clouds of earlier had passed to reveal a beautiful afternoon. Running until my legs screamed stop, worship music whispering harmony through my headphones... and I saw the sun beginning to set through the trees. I stopped and spoke thanks to the Creator who knows how to heal my heart better than any human every could. Thanks to the only One who can offer me peace and help when I 'm hurting like that. And I kept running. Another break in the trees, another glimpse of a sky full of golden glory, clouds dancing an intricate pattern... yellow-brown leaves mimicking the golden edged beauty of the clouds...but I couldn't stop yet, because this path has another spot, one where the sky stretches wide overhead and the trees open up to a meadow of tall grasses that whisper of peace... so I kept running. No longer the frantic stressful run of earlier, but a steady purposeful pace to see more of who God is on this hard day. And then the trees gave way to the grass and I saw. The sky ablaze with golden light, a sunset showing off as it passes through the maze of clouds... I realized then the beauty of the hard. The hard is beautiful because it makes me keep running. I get glimpses of the purposes of the Lord but I have to keep running to see the fullness of his plan. Many people saw the sunset on Monday, but depending on where you were standing, each saw it differently. The clouds change the colors and light that is reflected and displayed. So my circumstances affect the way I see God's plan, but regardless of how I see it, He is the Artist. He sees the length and depth of the sky. He sees my life in full and allows me glimpses as I run, beautiful glimpses of how He is working that I won't understand unless I keep running, trusting that He will show me the full picture when it is time. Oh what a faithful God.
Keep running on the hard days-- the Faithful Artist knows the path, and He will show you the beauty of the hard if you will keep running after Him to find it.
How thankful I am for my Best Friend who brings me solace and perspective in a sunset.

We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!

1 Corinthian 13:12 (Message)

...I want to be like my Jesus

“Why did I have to pick such a hard career? I don’t know if I can do this… there will be so much hurt…”

“The world is full of hurting people, but in the hospital you get to help them.”

That conversation happened close to midnight last night between my roomie and me… her wise words cut through my exhaustion and reminded me of the purpose behind my studies. Nursing school is hard, but it will be worth it. Where else are you in a situation to care for and show love to a perfect stranger? Sitting by the bedside of the hurting, listening as they tell about their pain, offering the peace of Jesus that flows with His love as a river of living water because I am His daughter… This calling He has placed on my life is so much greater than me, but I get to be the hands and feet of Jesus by tangibly carrying hope to the hurting. Yes, it is worth all the tears, sleepless nights, lack of time, and loss of fun because that’s how Jesus served- wholeheartedly, holding nothing back… and I want to be like my Jesus.

Marvel at the beauty of the gospel today. He came for you. For me. For that perfect stranger. For the hurting. For the broken. For those who “have it together.” For the cruel. For the good. For the unjust. For the ungrateful.

And He loves us all… without restraint, without distinction, without limit…

So every person I come in contact with is an opportunity to serve and love as Jesus did. That’s real hard, y’all….

But just as he had grace enough to save us from eternal death, He has grace enough to get us through the hard times.

He has entrusted us with the priceless gift of the gospel. We carry it with us everywhere, but who are we sharing it with? Do my words bring life and hope because they are pointing to the glory of my Jesus?

Jesus was Love wherever he went…and I want to be like my Jesus.

“But my life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing the work assigned to me by the Lord Jesus; the work of telling others the Good News about God’s wonderful kindness and love.” Acts 20:24

Some kind of wonderful... camp memories

This gypsy heart...
Since I last put my fingers to the keys to convey a snippet from life's journey, I have been across the sea to the islands and cities of Italy, and up into the mountains of North Georgia, Tennessee, and North Carolina.
So much adventure. Words can't quite explain it...
And so it's hard being home. Where is home, really? For me, I've found it to be with Jesus. Since He is always with me, it is possible to make any place a temporary home, but the place for which my heart longs is and will always be, heaven.
Meanwhile, the most transient place on earth has become the closest thing to feeling like home. Camp Highland... living among the mountains where the river runs deep and the sun burns hot and the mist and wildflowers and clouds and shadows and dancing leaves all shout that HE is here and He longs to draw you near. The people are family because when you all love Jesus more than anything and spend your days serving and running after Him... a bond is formed that is stronger than blood because it is of the Spirit and your heart knows these are friends and that even though paths diverge too soon at the end of 10 weeks, you will see each other again because at the end of the race we are all going to the same Home.
So for the second summer I served at Camp and loved every minute of it. I loved that I was stupid exhausted by Week 2 and I had nothing left to give, so I had to utterly rely on Jesus to love through me... and He did.
The trips with the high school girls, long car rides jamming to Justin Bieber and 90's music, then backpacking and camping, chatting around the fire late into the night, opening hearts and sharing tears as we passed around the chocolate, grahams, and 'mallows. Learning to choose joy like a boss when the blisters came, and the Chacos rubbed, and we were still hiking in the beautiful wilds of His creation... then the resting on the boat, getting trashed as we tubed because we play hard, trusting that God will provide the strength for tomorrow when tomorrow comes. Kayaking, my favorite part of the week, taking tandem kayaks down the whitewater of the Hiwassee and the sunshine and the chill of the splashing rapids crystallizing the laughter and the adventure and making time stand still just a little bit... some weeks learning hard lessons from the river and others just frolicking and reveling in the beauty surrounding us. Camping again, with hot dogs and river stories about who flipped out and who did not, seeing friends and pulling out the Enos to hang beneath the stars that stretched across the sky like some sort of magnificent.... and then the awesome spontaneous sometimes....when we hiked to the waterfall at night and it was lit up with green lights, and climbed a mountain to go rock climbing and read Ephesians on the overlook for hours, and hiked to waterfalls and then climbed them in the rain.... all the while getting the awesome opportunity to walk beside some high school girls and share the wonder of his beauty and grace and love and faithfulness... and it was beautiful. To see their hearts, to see them seek, to see them find. God came near.
But just as beautiful were the weeks with the younger girls.. I just had  to look a bit closer for the adventure because I also had to be a mom and keep everyone together and repeat myself fifty times... but then their childlike faith would absolutely melt me as they asked questions and wanted more of Jesus and an hour wasn't long enough but they had more questions and they were growing and finding Him and realizing His love... and that was joy. And that was worth all the repeating myself and being woken up in the middle of the night to kill a spider and all the extra trips to everywhere because someone forgot something again... I would see Jesus in the most unexpected places through them... A little girl not even from my cabin asking me to pray for her to be a light to her lost friend, little ones overcoming fear at Drop Zone and High Ropes, hearing what they are learning during debriefs, tucking all the girls in because this is not home and they need to know they are loved before they can go to sleep, when one comes up to randomly hug and say "you're beautiful" or "you're nice" and runs away again to play octagon ball...
Then that one time when God reminded me of my own brokenness and His unending love through a child's tears...a homesick girl asking for me during worship, the reluctant walk to go comfort the one who had been disrespectful and pushed away my attempts to love her already today. Taking her in my arms, pulling her wet, pond-water covered self into my lap and quietly explaining the worship songs and how it's ok to miss mommy but try to focus on Jesus and how much He loves you instead of on something you can't change. Then singing and praying over her and realizing that this isn't me loving on her right now because I had nothing left, but it's God loving through me and I'm getting to be but a vessel, and see how He loves and how He calls a lost sheep to Himself. And the face of that homesick little girl was my face, so often ungrateful for the blessings surrounding me, wanting something different and Jesus quietly holding me in His arms and reminding me of the riches I have in Him. Then the next night, sharing testimonies and she shares that in my arms was when she understood what God's love meant and she accepted Christ the next night- and the tears come because I know it was not me, but God let me be a part of it and I am so very grateful.
The way that our staff stood in the gap for one another, always serving and encouraging and anticipating needs they could meet so that others could serve more easily was truly astounding. It was such a picture of the body of Christ that my heart recognized it as being as close to Home as we can get on the earth, and I didn't want to say goodbye. I was so blessed by each of my cos. To be able to lead alongside those ladies was such a gift, and I learned so much from each one of them. Truly iron sharpening iron.
So I miss camp, and the way that His grace shone in the sunsets and the rainbows... the camaraderie of running hard playing Ultimate and sneaking into the kitchen to get dirt cake or ice cream... the quiet mornings on the porch with my chipped blue mug of coffee and my Bible... the notes in my mailbox reminding me to choose joy because He is faithful...
Even though I miss it, I will choose joy now because God has taught me so much about what it looks like to serve Him and die to self and and I am walking away changed. I have many new friends and stories, and I am closer to my Savior... and this is only the beginning. There's a semester ahead of me with many opportunities to choose joy and run hard in the wild adventure of following Jesus.
So this gypsy heart will be satisfied with memories for now.
Looking back at my pictures of Italy I'm reminded that there are so many stories to be told from those adventures among the ancient streets, beautiful ruins, and majestic cathedrals... but that was a lesson in growing up, and it must await its turn to be told in this journal.

"Finally, my brothers and sisters, rejoice in the Lord" 

Philippians 3:1