I love the start of a new semester... it just shouts of countless opportunities for fun and growth and new friends and new knowledge. My bags are halfway packed and tomorrow I head back to UM for a semester that is guaranteed to be hard, but I'm not dreading it. On the contrary, I'm kind of excited. These past few weeks God has been teaching me a lot about what it means to walk and live in JOY. Walking in the joy of the Lord means forsaking fear and worry. It means wholehearted trust in the love of my Savior. Living in this type of freedom is exhilarating and astounding... and I'm ready to put the rubber to the road. I've learned how to live it out in the relatively relaxing environment of Christmas break at home, but now I get to apply what I've learned to the messy and the hard- the life of a sophomore in college, drowning in pre-nursing classes and two jobs, an extroverted personality with no time for a social life, saving up for a trip to Italy, trying to prepare heart and body for camp this summer, and learning that grades don't define her only Jesus does- but oh what a wonderful journey it is! Each day I see God's hand of grace and rejoice that YES! His mercies are new every morning! He is faithful even when I am faithless, because He cannot change His holiness. He walks with me and teaches me to count everything joy, because He is using it to shape me into the woman He wants me to be, and I am slowly learning to see through His eyes. I recently read Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts and I would recommend it to anyone and everyone. She shares her journey of learning to find joy in the everyday and mundane... and it is a beautiful but very REAL journey. I could connect with her throughout the book and now my prayer is that eucharisteo defines my every waking moment. Passion was amazing, and I am so grateful that I was able to go and that God showed up in the huge way that He did. However, I think the majority of the lessons I learned that week are for me to hide in my heart for now, and ponder quietly as I find the ways my life needs to change in order to better reflect His glory.
Until next time, much love!
Friday, January 11, 2013
Sunday, December 23, 2012
my Ebenezer
At any given time, half the tabs on my computer are normally open to sites relating to India or missions or medical mission stories/opportunities. My heart longs to go, but at the same time I value these seasons of preparation so so much! The other day I contacted and received a reply from MedSend... dreams are becoming reality! It's a bit frightening, but I am so in awe of God. He has directed me this far and will continue to guide me. Why is is frightening? It means I have to grow up... and looking ahead the road is only going to get harder. How can it get harder when I've already experienced beyond what I thought I could bear? Because God's strength never ends, and he refined me and made me stronger in that fire. I am so grateful for this past semester. It was a constant headache, it was hard, it seemed pointless and hopeless more days than not... but I grew. I was at the end of myself and I had to trust that God had a greater purpose. He did. He does. I want to weep when I think of His great love and grace- His ever faithful hand guiding me even when I'm freaking out because of the storm around me. Oh how wonderful is the name of my Lord Jesus! I think that is the main thing I want to do this Christmas... sit at His feet in awe and praise. Wondering at His majesty and goodness. Thanking Him with my every breath for His selfless, sustaining love. My Jesus, how great you are! So I will approach that manger softly barefoot, in a silent surrender of my will to His, wondering at this bright Son in a humble manger... He became man so that men might know Him! Such knowledge is too wonderful for me!
"Here I raise my Ebenezer, whither by Thy help I come. And I pray by Thy good pleasure safely to arrive at home. Jesus saw me when a stranger wandering from the fold of God. Then to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood. Oh to grace, how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."
Here I raise my Ebenezer- my stone in remembrance of what God has done.
He has led me this far, He has saved me, He has called me, He has shown me his glory... and what He has yet to do I can't begin to know or imagine!
Ebenezer means "Thus far the Lord has helped us"
He has been my Helper. My All.
Thank you, my Jesus.
On days when I don't want to look up because I simply can't seem to find the strength for that movement ...I will return to this ebenezer. My God is always faithful. Even when believing is hard because the world screams otherwise, my heart knows the One who holds power over the wind and the waves. Faith is not an elusive idea, rather it's a conscious choice to look up, beyond yourself.
Much love to all, and Merry Christmas!
"Here I raise my Ebenezer, whither by Thy help I come. And I pray by Thy good pleasure safely to arrive at home. Jesus saw me when a stranger wandering from the fold of God. Then to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood. Oh to grace, how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."
Here I raise my Ebenezer- my stone in remembrance of what God has done.
He has led me this far, He has saved me, He has called me, He has shown me his glory... and what He has yet to do I can't begin to know or imagine!
Ebenezer means "Thus far the Lord has helped us"
He has been my Helper. My All.
Thank you, my Jesus.
On days when I don't want to look up because I simply can't seem to find the strength for that movement ...I will return to this ebenezer. My God is always faithful. Even when believing is hard because the world screams otherwise, my heart knows the One who holds power over the wind and the waves. Faith is not an elusive idea, rather it's a conscious choice to look up, beyond yourself.
Much love to all, and Merry Christmas!
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Choose joy.
So many hurting. So much pain. So many tears.
Where is God when love doesn't seem to be enough?
I care, I empathize, I pray and pray and pray... but still there's hurt. Still there are friends overwhelmed by life who just want to give up, girls overwhelmed by schedules and the busy-ness pushed on us as college students. Girls weighed down with work and study- no time for fun, little time for sleep. I am one of those girls. So how do I help others when I am overwhelmed and on the verge of being stressed out? When I have a to-do list that is 50 miles long...and another friend who needs to talk or vent or cry? I put aside the to-do list ...and listen. When I get that text that barely masks the heart-wrenching pain and despair and I have no more love or wisdom to offer... I pray. God provides the love. I put down the anatomy flashcards and text back because everything will be okay...I think. But words aren't always enough. They fail at filling the void and healing the hurt... and so I pray...And then I choose joy. James 1 has a whole new meaning for me in this season... and so does bearing others' burdens. Sometimes I think I care too much... but then I remember that this caring is a gift from the Father, and if I can help them bear their burden by feeling their pain in a small way... then it's worth it. Because Love is enough. My love will never be enough, but His is. So the circumstances may still be dark, the week may still be hard, and the path ahead may still look daunting... but I will choose joy.
Where is God when love doesn't seem to be enough?
I care, I empathize, I pray and pray and pray... but still there's hurt. Still there are friends overwhelmed by life who just want to give up, girls overwhelmed by schedules and the busy-ness pushed on us as college students. Girls weighed down with work and study- no time for fun, little time for sleep. I am one of those girls. So how do I help others when I am overwhelmed and on the verge of being stressed out? When I have a to-do list that is 50 miles long...and another friend who needs to talk or vent or cry? I put aside the to-do list ...and listen. When I get that text that barely masks the heart-wrenching pain and despair and I have no more love or wisdom to offer... I pray. God provides the love. I put down the anatomy flashcards and text back because everything will be okay...I think. But words aren't always enough. They fail at filling the void and healing the hurt... and so I pray...And then I choose joy. James 1 has a whole new meaning for me in this season... and so does bearing others' burdens. Sometimes I think I care too much... but then I remember that this caring is a gift from the Father, and if I can help them bear their burden by feeling their pain in a small way... then it's worth it. Because Love is enough. My love will never be enough, but His is. So the circumstances may still be dark, the week may still be hard, and the path ahead may still look daunting... but I will choose joy.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Run the Race (Hebrews 12:1-3)
Running
away or to or through?
to.
Running to Him who holds me close
fast then faster
and even faster...
give me a chilly morning
cup of coffee
and my Bible
and I will run.
straight into His arms.
Running running always running
away or to or through?
away.
away from memories and fears and tears
away from the laughter of yesterday
it's today
and I am free to live and run and laugh and be
me.
play some music
a bit of sunshine
and I will dance for joy in Him
But then the music halts
running. again.
Running?
away or to or through?
through.
the rain drowns the sunshine
tries to wash away the joy
I'm holding on
tightly.
I'm wet and cold and tired
beaten down
huddled in a ball
is this all?
no.
there is a path to be run
stand up. step out.
start jogging, then run
even in the rain, the pain.
give me a flood
test me try me
rainbows come... after rain
I'm still running
sunshine's coming
and He is still faithful Lord of all.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
so much more than a summer...
And so I sit down once again, with my head full of thoughts, my heart full of memories, and my hands just itching to flit across the keyboard and share with the world what I’ve learned. Oh , summer… the elusive wisp of childhood that whispers of a place called Neverland and the carefree days of endless play. My summer had a taste of Neverland, but it was so much more than that. Join me in a trek through the north Georgia mountains to a place that captured my heart and taught me to love…
Camp Highland. When I arrived on the first day I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Driving through the gate in misty rain, I worried about making friends and fitting in and being able to share my heart with young girls… then I put my stuff down in a cabin with no air conditioning and 12 bunk beds and sighed… could I really do this? Then I walked onto the field and joined a staff game of Ultimate Frisbee. Could I do this? Yes. We were all kids here, just playing and loving Jesus together. Exchanging names as we passed the Frisbee, running hard because you knew from the moment you stepped on the field that here at Camp Highland we “play hard.” Then eating lunch on the porch and discovering camp traditions and making friends… yes, I could do this; something about it just felt like coming home.
From then training began. I hiked so many hills and ate more than I ever had in my life. I dug into the Word as if my life depended on it, because it did. I knew from the beginning that it would take a miracle and a lot of Jesus to make it through the summer. We went from 7 til midnight without stopping, and then started all over again the next day. I was learning to harness and belay, going through high ropes courses that terrified me, jumping off of high things, and trusting, always trusting. Whether it was trusting my team to not let me fall at low ropes, trusting my belayer on the rock climbing wall, trusting my harness on the zip line, or trusting my Jesus to give me strength, I was learning to trust as never before. I discovered a side of myself that craved adventure and loved the thrill of putting all my trust in Jesus and taking that leap of faith. I learned to stop holding on so tightly to the ropes that I could see and instead to reach out in faith- He never failed to catch me. Our team bonded so quickly and I laughed at the thought that I was once scared I wouldn’t make friends. These people were my family, and whether we were sitting in the bathroom praying strength over each other or running until we couldn’t breathe chasing a Frisbee- we had each other’s’ backs.
Then came the first Monday morning of the first week one, where excitement was a living thing that bounced all over camp shouting “The kids are coming! The kids are coming!”… From that moment on my life was not the same. All my training and time spent in prayer and preparation came down to this… the forming of relationships between camper and counselor, each learning to open their heart and seek Jesus together. We had so much fun! Whether I was in Cabin 12 with the oldest girls or Cabin 7 with the 7th graders, I was learning and teaching and praying and seeking... and it was exhausting. To pour out so much of yourself to girls who sometimes did not respond, to be full of energy and excitement all the time, to run around in tribal screaming Kikuyu until you were hoarse, to pray until the tears fell over a little girl’s soul… and I learned what it meant to be empty. Empty- nothing left to give. How could I possibly be empty when I knew the Sustainer? I had tried to do it on my own, with His help. What I didn’t realize was that none of me was enough to do any of it. It was all Him. When I relinquished control and stopped saying “I can do it, Jesus, just give me the strength,” and instead I cried, “I can’t do this Jesus, you can”…He did. He gave me strength and joy and peace like I had never felt before. I learned what it was to need Him with every fiber of my being. Although I still was getting much too little sleep for the amount of activity filling my days, tired was no longer a word in my vocabulary. However, I was constantly hungry for His Word. It was a beautiful place to be- so broken and empty, yet whole and filled by the Father- daily. He taught me patience and how to extend grace. Over everything, He taught me to put on love. Every girl had a story, some which would break your heart. Many tears were cried in conviction, and others cried (by me) in frustration. What would it take to reach these girls? Girls with walls built up around their hearts and scars from people and broken trust… girls with stories that I had never experienced… girls that needed Jesus… how do you reach them? Love. By loving without discrimination, without a filter, without a limit… loving with His agape love that knows no end. Loving like that is impossible… but I tried. I tried and failed many times over, but praise God that he makes beautiful things out of my broken attempts. He reached those girls, He broke down those walls, and He simply used me to speak a word or a prayer or give a comforting touch. I learned what it meant to be patient though not seeing how Jesus was moving, and how to extend grace even when I was empty and tired of loving. I learned to see Jesus in the little things and how to talk about Him in all things. Whether we were walking up from the lake and helping the girls remember not to complain, or I was sitting by the fire sharing Jesus with two hungry hearts… every moment was centered around… Jesus. And that made every sleepless night, every exhausted tear, every scrape and bruise, every missed night off worth it. Because the summer was about those kids and the amazing work that He was doing in each one of their lives. The summer was not about me and what I could do, because I couldn’t do anything apart from Him. I was humbled and refined by fire on that mountain… and I am so glad I was there, not India. God had a perfect plan, and I needed that training and to learn those heart lessons before I went to the mission field. I do not know when He will send me to India, but I know to patiently wait on His timing because it is better than I could dream.
When it came time to leave there were many tears... because the mountains hold a peice of my heart, and we were saying goodbye to family. God gave me sisters and brothers in Christ who now live miles and miles away... but we are connected by our passion to love and serve and share Jesus. It was so hard for me to leave, because there I had a specific way to serve and love and share.... and back at school my way of serving is less defined and my days aren't full of adventure and talking about Jesus. But a new season does not mean it's time to stop sharing or loving or serving... it just means I have to be creative and find ways to live for Jesus in regular life, away from Neverland. So here we go, Jesus... it's gonna be hard again... looks like I get to trust You!
Much love!
Snapshots from my summer to come (when I have time to upload photos)
Then came the first Monday morning of the first week one, where excitement was a living thing that bounced all over camp shouting “The kids are coming! The kids are coming!”… From that moment on my life was not the same. All my training and time spent in prayer and preparation came down to this… the forming of relationships between camper and counselor, each learning to open their heart and seek Jesus together. We had so much fun! Whether I was in Cabin 12 with the oldest girls or Cabin 7 with the 7th graders, I was learning and teaching and praying and seeking... and it was exhausting. To pour out so much of yourself to girls who sometimes did not respond, to be full of energy and excitement all the time, to run around in tribal screaming Kikuyu until you were hoarse, to pray until the tears fell over a little girl’s soul… and I learned what it meant to be empty. Empty- nothing left to give. How could I possibly be empty when I knew the Sustainer? I had tried to do it on my own, with His help. What I didn’t realize was that none of me was enough to do any of it. It was all Him. When I relinquished control and stopped saying “I can do it, Jesus, just give me the strength,” and instead I cried, “I can’t do this Jesus, you can”…He did. He gave me strength and joy and peace like I had never felt before. I learned what it was to need Him with every fiber of my being. Although I still was getting much too little sleep for the amount of activity filling my days, tired was no longer a word in my vocabulary. However, I was constantly hungry for His Word. It was a beautiful place to be- so broken and empty, yet whole and filled by the Father- daily. He taught me patience and how to extend grace. Over everything, He taught me to put on love. Every girl had a story, some which would break your heart. Many tears were cried in conviction, and others cried (by me) in frustration. What would it take to reach these girls? Girls with walls built up around their hearts and scars from people and broken trust… girls with stories that I had never experienced… girls that needed Jesus… how do you reach them? Love. By loving without discrimination, without a filter, without a limit… loving with His agape love that knows no end. Loving like that is impossible… but I tried. I tried and failed many times over, but praise God that he makes beautiful things out of my broken attempts. He reached those girls, He broke down those walls, and He simply used me to speak a word or a prayer or give a comforting touch. I learned what it meant to be patient though not seeing how Jesus was moving, and how to extend grace even when I was empty and tired of loving. I learned to see Jesus in the little things and how to talk about Him in all things. Whether we were walking up from the lake and helping the girls remember not to complain, or I was sitting by the fire sharing Jesus with two hungry hearts… every moment was centered around… Jesus. And that made every sleepless night, every exhausted tear, every scrape and bruise, every missed night off worth it. Because the summer was about those kids and the amazing work that He was doing in each one of their lives. The summer was not about me and what I could do, because I couldn’t do anything apart from Him. I was humbled and refined by fire on that mountain… and I am so glad I was there, not India. God had a perfect plan, and I needed that training and to learn those heart lessons before I went to the mission field. I do not know when He will send me to India, but I know to patiently wait on His timing because it is better than I could dream.
When it came time to leave there were many tears... because the mountains hold a peice of my heart, and we were saying goodbye to family. God gave me sisters and brothers in Christ who now live miles and miles away... but we are connected by our passion to love and serve and share Jesus. It was so hard for me to leave, because there I had a specific way to serve and love and share.... and back at school my way of serving is less defined and my days aren't full of adventure and talking about Jesus. But a new season does not mean it's time to stop sharing or loving or serving... it just means I have to be creative and find ways to live for Jesus in regular life, away from Neverland. So here we go, Jesus... it's gonna be hard again... looks like I get to trust You!
Much love!
Snapshots from my summer to come (when I have time to upload photos)
Thursday, May 17, 2012
a glimpse of my heart
My suitcases are packed and I'm counting down. One short day until I leave for camp; then on Monday the adventure will begin. Tonight I was reflecting on the journey thus far. I didn't have time to blog while this was all happening, but it was a roller coaster ride that led up to the decision that I was to work at Camp Highland this summer. So, friends, join me on a journey to the past that shouts of God's goodness even in the midst of my doubt...
Let me start with a quote from David Livingston that best captures my heart when it comes to reaching the nations:
"Lord send me anywhere, only go with me.
Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.
Sever any tie but the tie that binds me to Thy service and Thy heart."
I heard this in my Intercultural Studies class, which is fitting since I left that class many days with tears in my eyes and a certainty that if I had the money I would be on a plane within the hour- going to some people somewhere who had never heard the Gospel. Have you ever had your heart hurt so bad it felt like it was breaking... for people you have never even met? Have you ever heard statistics and been able to put faces with the apalling numbers? Have you ever wanted to take someone's pain away so much that you were willing to give up everything if only you could find a way to help them? Have you ever wondered why we have so much but others have so little? Have you ever cried for the thousands that have never heard of Jesus because we are too comfortable here in America to go and tell them? I have. I have cried. I have prayed. Yet I am here, in America. I want to go. Every single day I ask God why I am still here, when it seems like I could do so much more over there... and He says wait. He says to trust Him. So I do. But my heart still hurts for the millions who are malnourished... for the poor little feet that bleed and swell for lack of shoes... for the tears of hoplessness shed in the face of disease that could be prevented if only they had money for medical care... for the children without homes, roaming the streets without parents... for the filth of poverty and the lost eyes that have no reason to live and so choose to give up... but in these tear-filled eyes, precious feet, and disease-ridden little bodies I see a purpose for which God created them... a purpose they will never discover if someone doesn't tell them that they are important and loved. They need food in their bellies, a bath, and a hug... and they need to know my Jesus who heals and restores and redeems and adopts. He can be a father to the 143 million orphaned children. He can be the Bread of Life and Healer to the 11 million who die from starvation and preventable disease. He can set free the 8.5 million who are child prostitutes and slaves. But someone has to go and tell them about Him. Someone has to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I want to be that someone.
I tell you all of this because it is part of my story. It is part of my story because it weighs on my heart. These needy children and lost people are the reason I am not satisfied with my life in America. I do not claim to be better than anyone, I have simply seen the magnitude of the need and I know my God commands that I do something about it. This is why I am going to be a medical missionary. This is the only reason I stay in college. College is ridiculously expensive, but I know as a nurse I can meet physical needs and open the door for the gospel. I was not made for the First World. I was a broken, filthy beggar and God looked at me, calling me his child, and gave me the Bread of Life. I was made for the Third World- to take this Bread and offer it to other beggars... because I am just like them and the hope I have is for them too.
That was a very long rabbit trail, but a necessary glimpse of my heart. Back to the story: I applied to work CentriKid camp this summer, but I was put on the waiting list. I was sure that was the plan God had for me, so when it fell through I was devastated. I also wanted desperately to do international missions, but I felt like God was telling me to wait, that he needed to grow me more and He would do that through a camp setting. So, after I was wait listed for CentriKid I began to look into other options. I heard about Camp Highland through my friend Jenni at church, so I applied. I also applied to WinShape. By this point I knew that God had put the country of India on my heart. I looked into IMB summer mission trips to India. I didn't find any that would work with my schedule and talents, so I focused my attention on camps. After interviewing for both camps, I went back online to check for more IMB trips to India. I found one trip with one opening left on the team, and it was exactly what I wanted to do- 2 months in India, going to unreached people groups with the Gospel, planting churches, discipleship, and proclaiming Jesus while blending into the culture in native clothing. I prayed about it and felt like God was leading me to apply. I had to get my passport information from my mother, who voiced some hesitation about me going that far by myself and how I would pay for it. I knew if it was God's will He would provide, and I would go. But what was God's will? While my application was being processed, I received a call from Camp Highland offering me a job as a summer camp counselor. I was ecstatic. I prayed about it, and I had peace about accepting the job, but I wondered what to do about India. I hadn't heard back from them and I still really wanted to go. I accepted the job with Camp Highland, and my prayer became, "Please, please, please Father let the IMB say no to my India application!" That was Thursday... on Saturday I received and email from the IMB saying that my application had been approved and I was on the team to go to India. I cried. This wasn't supposed to happen. This team was so selective and I didn't think I was nearly qualified enough! How did I get that spot? Was I supposed to take it and tell Camp Highland no? I locked the door to my dorm room, got on my knees and sobbed to my Father. How could He do this? What was I supposed to choose? What was His will? I knew I needed to search the Word, but where do you even start with a question like that??? With blurry eyes, tears sprinkling the pages, I opened to my reading for the day- and God spoke. Psalm 86:4,11-12,16-17; Isaiah 30:1,12-15,18-22; Is. 32:2-4... God showed me that although India was his plan for me I had taken that gift (a passion and a burden for a people group is a gift) and I ran with it. I was so excited to know that I rushed blindly ahead of God and forged my own path. Instead of walking with God I ran ahead of Him, and when I looked back to see if He was following I realized that the gift had lost its beauty. When a gift is taken away from God's perfect timing it turns into rags and peices of trash...because it becomes my dream, my way, instead of the beautiful gem of God's plan, God's way. I was filled with anxiety and fear because the dream was slipping through my fingers... but God was standing there, wiping the tears from my eyes, saying "My dear child, stop running. Give me back that dream, that gift, that promise. It never was yours to hang onto. It is too big for you to carry. Surrender it to me." So there, on the floor of my dorm room I tearfully surrendered the gift that was never mine to the Giver who was the only one big enough to hold onto it for me. Part of that surrender meant letting go of my plan. My plan had been to show how much I trusted God by going on the India trip and letting Him work miracles and bring the money together in just a few short months. That was going to be my leap of faith. But He didn't ask that of me. Like Abraham with Isaac, the knife raised to slay his only son, I had my future on the altar, ready to sacrifice the known for the unknown... and God provided another way. He said "I know you are willing... but not this time." It hurt. I was relieved that I didn't have to take that leap of faith just yet, but a dream was dying. I longed to go to India, because that was the passion God had put inside me. How could He ask me to wait? Because He is the Giver of the gift... and He never breaks His promises. "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends. With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9 This verse comforted me and gave me peace. Not only was it confirming that God would fulfill His promise and I would go to India one day in His time, it was also a reminder that God loves those people so much more than I do. He does not want them to die and go to hell either. He desires the salvation of their souls more fiercely than I do. Knowing that, I can rest assured that his timing is perfect and He will take me to India when He desires to use me there. Until then, I am to be used by Him here. I am to bring Him glory and share the Gospel as a counselor at Camp Highland this summer. I couldn't be more excited. My heart still longs for India, but I have an unexplainable peace that His will is for me to work camp this summer, and wait for His timing for India.
Now you can see why I am eagerly anticipating this summer. I know God is going to stretch me and grow me in new ways. His plan for me exceeds anything I could imagine, and if being in the center of His will means remaining in America for a bit longer (even though I don't understand)- I will obey.
Glory to God.
Let me start with a quote from David Livingston that best captures my heart when it comes to reaching the nations:
"Lord send me anywhere, only go with me.
Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.
Sever any tie but the tie that binds me to Thy service and Thy heart."
I heard this in my Intercultural Studies class, which is fitting since I left that class many days with tears in my eyes and a certainty that if I had the money I would be on a plane within the hour- going to some people somewhere who had never heard the Gospel. Have you ever had your heart hurt so bad it felt like it was breaking... for people you have never even met? Have you ever heard statistics and been able to put faces with the apalling numbers? Have you ever wanted to take someone's pain away so much that you were willing to give up everything if only you could find a way to help them? Have you ever wondered why we have so much but others have so little? Have you ever cried for the thousands that have never heard of Jesus because we are too comfortable here in America to go and tell them? I have. I have cried. I have prayed. Yet I am here, in America. I want to go. Every single day I ask God why I am still here, when it seems like I could do so much more over there... and He says wait. He says to trust Him. So I do. But my heart still hurts for the millions who are malnourished... for the poor little feet that bleed and swell for lack of shoes... for the tears of hoplessness shed in the face of disease that could be prevented if only they had money for medical care... for the children without homes, roaming the streets without parents... for the filth of poverty and the lost eyes that have no reason to live and so choose to give up... but in these tear-filled eyes, precious feet, and disease-ridden little bodies I see a purpose for which God created them... a purpose they will never discover if someone doesn't tell them that they are important and loved. They need food in their bellies, a bath, and a hug... and they need to know my Jesus who heals and restores and redeems and adopts. He can be a father to the 143 million orphaned children. He can be the Bread of Life and Healer to the 11 million who die from starvation and preventable disease. He can set free the 8.5 million who are child prostitutes and slaves. But someone has to go and tell them about Him. Someone has to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I want to be that someone.
I tell you all of this because it is part of my story. It is part of my story because it weighs on my heart. These needy children and lost people are the reason I am not satisfied with my life in America. I do not claim to be better than anyone, I have simply seen the magnitude of the need and I know my God commands that I do something about it. This is why I am going to be a medical missionary. This is the only reason I stay in college. College is ridiculously expensive, but I know as a nurse I can meet physical needs and open the door for the gospel. I was not made for the First World. I was a broken, filthy beggar and God looked at me, calling me his child, and gave me the Bread of Life. I was made for the Third World- to take this Bread and offer it to other beggars... because I am just like them and the hope I have is for them too.
That was a very long rabbit trail, but a necessary glimpse of my heart. Back to the story: I applied to work CentriKid camp this summer, but I was put on the waiting list. I was sure that was the plan God had for me, so when it fell through I was devastated. I also wanted desperately to do international missions, but I felt like God was telling me to wait, that he needed to grow me more and He would do that through a camp setting. So, after I was wait listed for CentriKid I began to look into other options. I heard about Camp Highland through my friend Jenni at church, so I applied. I also applied to WinShape. By this point I knew that God had put the country of India on my heart. I looked into IMB summer mission trips to India. I didn't find any that would work with my schedule and talents, so I focused my attention on camps. After interviewing for both camps, I went back online to check for more IMB trips to India. I found one trip with one opening left on the team, and it was exactly what I wanted to do- 2 months in India, going to unreached people groups with the Gospel, planting churches, discipleship, and proclaiming Jesus while blending into the culture in native clothing. I prayed about it and felt like God was leading me to apply. I had to get my passport information from my mother, who voiced some hesitation about me going that far by myself and how I would pay for it. I knew if it was God's will He would provide, and I would go. But what was God's will? While my application was being processed, I received a call from Camp Highland offering me a job as a summer camp counselor. I was ecstatic. I prayed about it, and I had peace about accepting the job, but I wondered what to do about India. I hadn't heard back from them and I still really wanted to go. I accepted the job with Camp Highland, and my prayer became, "Please, please, please Father let the IMB say no to my India application!" That was Thursday... on Saturday I received and email from the IMB saying that my application had been approved and I was on the team to go to India. I cried. This wasn't supposed to happen. This team was so selective and I didn't think I was nearly qualified enough! How did I get that spot? Was I supposed to take it and tell Camp Highland no? I locked the door to my dorm room, got on my knees and sobbed to my Father. How could He do this? What was I supposed to choose? What was His will? I knew I needed to search the Word, but where do you even start with a question like that??? With blurry eyes, tears sprinkling the pages, I opened to my reading for the day- and God spoke. Psalm 86:4,11-12,16-17; Isaiah 30:1,12-15,18-22; Is. 32:2-4... God showed me that although India was his plan for me I had taken that gift (a passion and a burden for a people group is a gift) and I ran with it. I was so excited to know that I rushed blindly ahead of God and forged my own path. Instead of walking with God I ran ahead of Him, and when I looked back to see if He was following I realized that the gift had lost its beauty. When a gift is taken away from God's perfect timing it turns into rags and peices of trash...because it becomes my dream, my way, instead of the beautiful gem of God's plan, God's way. I was filled with anxiety and fear because the dream was slipping through my fingers... but God was standing there, wiping the tears from my eyes, saying "My dear child, stop running. Give me back that dream, that gift, that promise. It never was yours to hang onto. It is too big for you to carry. Surrender it to me." So there, on the floor of my dorm room I tearfully surrendered the gift that was never mine to the Giver who was the only one big enough to hold onto it for me. Part of that surrender meant letting go of my plan. My plan had been to show how much I trusted God by going on the India trip and letting Him work miracles and bring the money together in just a few short months. That was going to be my leap of faith. But He didn't ask that of me. Like Abraham with Isaac, the knife raised to slay his only son, I had my future on the altar, ready to sacrifice the known for the unknown... and God provided another way. He said "I know you are willing... but not this time." It hurt. I was relieved that I didn't have to take that leap of faith just yet, but a dream was dying. I longed to go to India, because that was the passion God had put inside me. How could He ask me to wait? Because He is the Giver of the gift... and He never breaks His promises. "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends. With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9 This verse comforted me and gave me peace. Not only was it confirming that God would fulfill His promise and I would go to India one day in His time, it was also a reminder that God loves those people so much more than I do. He does not want them to die and go to hell either. He desires the salvation of their souls more fiercely than I do. Knowing that, I can rest assured that his timing is perfect and He will take me to India when He desires to use me there. Until then, I am to be used by Him here. I am to bring Him glory and share the Gospel as a counselor at Camp Highland this summer. I couldn't be more excited. My heart still longs for India, but I have an unexplainable peace that His will is for me to work camp this summer, and wait for His timing for India.
Now you can see why I am eagerly anticipating this summer. I know God is going to stretch me and grow me in new ways. His plan for me exceeds anything I could imagine, and if being in the center of His will means remaining in America for a bit longer (even though I don't understand)- I will obey.
Glory to God.
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