Satisfied

"I sought the Lord, and He answered me and delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to Him are radiant, and their faces shall never be ashamed. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and delivers them. Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good! Blessed is the man who takes refuge in Him!" Psalm 34:4-8

How good it is to take a true Sabbath, and simultaneously learn what it truly means to be satisfied in Him! My Jesus is ever faithful... Here's a bit of what He showed me this afternoon. You know how I love analogies, and God gave me a perfect one for what my time alone with Him is like. How important it is to meet with Him in prayer and by reading the Bible! What a gift that time is- the beauty of His love made me tear up just a bit...

You (Jesus) welcome me in with open arms and your full attention, even though I entered distracted, hurried, burdened...Gently you remove my coat- my weights and burdens... you take my hand and i match my hurried steps to your slow, sure pace... Your quiet strong voice welcomes me- love enveloping and sparkling around me like a thousand crystals of light. You lead me to a table- filled to overflowing- What abundance is this! For me? Pulling back a chair you offer me a seat and then sit across from me... patiently you listen to me pour out my heart, my hurts, my burdens... then when my tears have once again obscured my vision You gently push a brimming cup in front of me "My daughter you are weary from your journey. Do you not remember at whose table you sit?"
"Jesus" I whisper
"Take this cup of Living water and thirst no more. Eat the Bread of Life. Be filled."
The table holds my favorites- reminders of His faithfulness (trust in the Lord with all your heart... those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength, they will rise on wings like eagles.. take up your cross and follow Me...but Jesus had compassion on them... nothing can separate you from the love of Christ...) It also holds new dishes (Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love...blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness...taste and see that the Lord is good...He shall see the labor of his soul and be satisfied...the aim of our charge is love that issues from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith...)
When I have eaten all I can, I'm satisfied.
Walking me back to the door, I reach for my coat- "you don't want that" pushing it aside. You hand me a lightweight coat that shimmers in the rays of sunlight. I twirl like a small girl in giddy excitement at the new treasure. Taking my hand, You open the door and the sun's brightness is dim in comparison to your glory.
"How far will you go with me, Jesus?"
"The whole way. You have been filled to pour out to others, but how will you see the need unless I go with you?"
"Jesus, you are so bright, what good am I? surely they can just look at you and see love."
"Some eyes are not accustomed to the brightness of my light and its pure holiness causes pain. You must be my hands and feet so they can feel love and see light on a small scale which will then cause them to seek the Source themselves."
You give me a gentle push "Now go"
"Where are You going?"
"I go before you, to prepare the way
I am within you, to give you strength,
I walk beside you to show the way
Look for me and You will see me. Trust me. I will never leave you or forsake you."
Nodding, I turn and walk into the chaos of the daily... the monotony of the everyday...
but wait! There's your smile...encouraging me through a friend...
later.. a quick glimpse of pain in watery eyes...Is she hurting?
"Now go... love" I hear Your whisper on the wind
Yes. She needs to know the love of my Jesus today. deep breath. Your boldness fills... Your words overflow... Your love explodes ...in a thousand sparkles of light....
You're always right here.

new beginnings

I love the start of a new semester... it just shouts of countless opportunities for fun and growth and new friends and new knowledge. My bags are halfway packed and tomorrow I head back to UM for a semester that is guaranteed to be hard, but I'm not dreading it. On the contrary, I'm kind of excited. These past few weeks God has been teaching me a lot about what it means to walk and live in JOY. Walking in the joy of the Lord means forsaking fear and worry. It means wholehearted trust in the love of my Savior. Living in this type of freedom is exhilarating and astounding... and I'm ready to put the rubber to the road. I've learned how to live it out in the relatively relaxing environment of Christmas break at home, but now I get to apply what I've learned to the messy and the hard- the life of a sophomore in college, drowning in pre-nursing classes and two jobs, an extroverted personality with no time for a social life, saving up for a trip to Italy, trying to prepare heart and body for camp this summer, and learning that grades don't define her only Jesus does- but oh what a wonderful journey it is! Each day I see God's hand of grace and rejoice that YES! His mercies are new every morning! He is faithful even when I am faithless, because He cannot change His holiness. He walks with me and teaches me to count everything joy, because He is using it to shape me into the woman He wants me to be, and I am slowly learning to see through His eyes. I recently read Ann Voskamp's book One Thousand Gifts and I would recommend it to anyone and everyone. She shares her journey of learning to find joy in the everyday and mundane... and it is a beautiful but very REAL journey. I could connect with her throughout the book and now my prayer is that eucharisteo defines my every waking moment. Passion was amazing, and I am so grateful that I was able to go and that God showed up in the huge way that He did. However, I think the majority of the lessons I learned that week are for me to hide in my heart for now, and ponder quietly as I find the ways my life needs to change in order to better reflect His glory.
Until next time, much love!

my Ebenezer

At any given time, half the tabs on my computer are normally open to sites relating to India or missions or medical mission stories/opportunities. My heart longs to go, but at the same time I value these seasons of preparation so so much! The other day I contacted and received a reply from MedSend... dreams are becoming reality! It's a bit frightening, but I am so in awe of God. He has directed me this far and will continue to guide me. Why is is frightening? It means I have to grow up... and looking ahead the road is only going to get harder. How can it get harder when I've already experienced beyond what I thought I could bear? Because God's strength never ends, and he refined me and made me stronger in that fire. I am so grateful for this past semester. It was a constant headache, it was hard, it seemed pointless and hopeless more days than not... but I grew. I was at the end of myself and I had to trust that God had a greater purpose. He did. He does. I want to weep when I think of His great love and grace- His ever faithful hand guiding me even when I'm freaking out because of the storm around me. Oh how wonderful is the name of my Lord Jesus! I think that is the main thing I want to do this Christmas... sit at His feet in awe and praise. Wondering at His majesty and goodness. Thanking Him with my every breath for His selfless, sustaining love. My Jesus, how great you are! So I will approach that manger softly barefoot, in a silent surrender of my will to His, wondering at this bright Son in a humble manger... He became man so that men might know Him! Such knowledge is too wonderful for me!
"Here I raise my Ebenezer, whither by Thy help I come. And I pray by Thy good pleasure safely to arrive at home. Jesus saw me when a stranger wandering from the fold of God. Then to rescue me from danger, interposed His precious blood. Oh to grace, how great a debtor daily I'm constrained to be! Let Thy goodness like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee. Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love. Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for Thy courts above."

Here I raise my Ebenezer- my stone in remembrance of what God has done.
He has led me this far, He has saved me, He has called me, He has shown me his glory... and what He has yet to do I can't begin to know or imagine!
Ebenezer means "Thus far the Lord has helped us"
He has been my Helper. My All.
Thank you, my Jesus.

On days when I don't want to look up because I simply can't seem to find the strength for that movement ...I will return to this ebenezer. My God is always faithful. Even when believing is hard because the world screams otherwise, my heart knows the One who holds power over the wind and the waves. Faith is not an elusive idea, rather it's a conscious choice to look up, beyond yourself.

Much love to all, and Merry Christmas!

Choose joy.

So many hurting. So much pain. So many tears.
Where is God when love doesn't seem to be enough?
I care, I empathize, I pray and pray and pray... but still there's hurt. Still there are friends overwhelmed by life who just want to give up, girls overwhelmed by schedules and the busy-ness pushed on us as college students. Girls weighed down with work and study- no time for fun, little time for sleep. I am one of those girls. So how do I help others when I am overwhelmed and on the verge of being stressed out? When I have a to-do list that is 50 miles long...and another friend who needs to talk or vent or cry? I put aside the to-do list ...and listen. When I get that text that barely masks the heart-wrenching pain and despair and I have no more love or wisdom to offer... I pray. God provides the love. I put down the anatomy flashcards and text back because everything will be okay...I think. But words aren't always enough. They fail at filling the void and healing the hurt... and so I pray...And then I choose joy. James 1 has a whole new meaning for me in this season... and so does bearing others' burdens. Sometimes I think I care too much... but then I remember that this caring is a gift from the Father, and if I can help them bear their burden by feeling their pain in a small way... then it's worth it. Because Love is enough. My love will never be enough, but His is. So the circumstances may still be dark, the week may still be hard, and the path ahead may still look daunting... but I will choose joy.

Run the Race (Hebrews 12:1-3)

Running
away or to or through?
to.
Running to Him who holds me close
fast then faster
and even faster...
   give me a chilly morning
   cup of coffee
   and my Bible
and I will run.
straight into His arms.
Running running always running
away or to or through?
away.
away from memories and fears and tears
away from the laughter of yesterday
it's today
and I am free to live and run and laugh and be
me.
   play some music
   a bit of sunshine
   and I will dance for joy in Him
But then the music halts
running. again.
Running?
away or to or through?
through.
the rain drowns the sunshine
tries to wash away the joy
I'm holding on
tightly.
I'm wet and cold and tired
beaten down
huddled in a ball
is this all?
no.
there is a path to be run
stand up. step out.
start jogging, then run
even in the rain, the pain.
   give me a flood
   test me try me
   rainbows come... after rain
I'm still running
sunshine's coming
and He is still faithful Lord of all.

These are a few of my favorite things....

small glimpses of the beauty of my summer

so much more than a summer...

And so I sit down once again, with my head full of thoughts, my heart full of memories, and my hands just itching to flit across the keyboard and share with the world what I’ve learned. Oh , summer… the elusive wisp of childhood that whispers of a place called Neverland and the carefree days of endless play. My summer had a taste of Neverland, but it was so much more than that. Join me in a trek through the north Georgia mountains to a place that captured my heart and taught me to love… Camp Highland. When I arrived on the first day I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Driving through the gate in misty rain, I worried about making friends and fitting in and being able to share my heart with young girls… then I put my stuff down in a cabin with no air conditioning and 12 bunk beds and sighed… could I really do this? Then I walked onto the field and joined a staff game of Ultimate Frisbee. Could I do this? Yes. We were all kids here, just playing and loving Jesus together. Exchanging names as we passed the Frisbee, running hard because you knew from the moment you stepped on the field that here at Camp Highland we “play hard.” Then eating lunch on the porch and discovering camp traditions and making friends… yes, I could do this; something about it just felt like coming home. From then training began. I hiked so many hills and ate more than I ever had in my life. I dug into the Word as if my life depended on it, because it did. I knew from the beginning that it would take a miracle and a lot of Jesus to make it through the summer. We went from 7 til midnight without stopping, and then started all over again the next day. I was learning to harness and belay, going through high ropes courses that terrified me, jumping off of high things, and trusting, always trusting. Whether it was trusting my team to not let me fall at low ropes, trusting my belayer on the rock climbing wall, trusting my harness on the zip line, or trusting my Jesus to give me strength, I was learning to trust as never before. I discovered a side of myself that craved adventure and loved the thrill of putting all my trust in Jesus and taking that leap of faith. I learned to stop holding on so tightly to the ropes that I could see and instead to reach out in faith- He never failed to catch me. Our team bonded so quickly and I laughed at the thought that I was once scared I wouldn’t make friends. These people were my family, and whether we were sitting in the bathroom praying strength over each other or running until we couldn’t breathe chasing a Frisbee- we had each other’s’ backs.
Then came the first Monday morning of the first week one, where excitement was a living thing that bounced all over camp shouting “The kids are coming! The kids are coming!”… From that moment on my life was not the same. All my training and time spent in prayer and preparation came down to this… the forming of relationships between camper and counselor, each learning to open their heart and seek Jesus together. We had so much fun! Whether I was in Cabin 12 with the oldest girls or Cabin 7 with the 7th graders, I was learning and teaching and praying and seeking... and it was exhausting. To pour out so much of yourself to girls who sometimes did not respond, to be full of energy and excitement all the time, to run around in tribal screaming Kikuyu until you were hoarse, to pray until the tears fell over a little girl’s soul… and I learned what it meant to be empty. Empty- nothing left to give. How could I possibly be empty when I knew the Sustainer? I had tried to do it on my own, with His help. What I didn’t realize was that none of me was enough to do any of it. It was all Him. When I relinquished control and stopped saying “I can do it, Jesus, just give me the strength,” and instead I cried, “I can’t do this Jesus, you can”…He did. He gave me strength and joy and peace like I had never felt before. I learned what it was to need Him with every fiber of my being. Although I still was getting much too little sleep for the amount of activity filling my days, tired was no longer a word in my vocabulary. However, I was constantly hungry for His Word. It was a beautiful place to be- so broken and empty, yet whole and filled by the Father- daily. He taught me patience and how to extend grace. Over everything, He taught me to put on love. Every girl had a story, some which would break your heart. Many tears were cried in conviction, and others cried (by me) in frustration. What would it take to reach these girls? Girls with walls built up around their hearts and scars from people and broken trust… girls with stories that I had never experienced… girls that needed Jesus… how do you reach them? Love. By loving without discrimination, without a filter, without a limit… loving with His agape love that knows no end. Loving like that is impossible… but I tried. I tried and failed many times over, but praise God that he makes beautiful things out of my broken attempts. He reached those girls, He broke down those walls, and He simply used me to speak a word or a prayer or give a comforting touch. I learned what it meant to be patient though not seeing how Jesus was moving, and how to extend grace even when I was empty and tired of loving. I learned to see Jesus in the little things and how to talk about Him in all things. Whether we were walking up from the lake and helping the girls remember not to complain, or I was sitting by the fire sharing Jesus with two hungry hearts… every moment was centered around… Jesus. And that made every sleepless night, every exhausted tear, every scrape and bruise, every missed night off worth it. Because the summer was about those kids and the amazing work that He was doing in each one of their lives. The summer was not about me and what I could do, because I couldn’t do anything apart from Him. I was humbled and refined by fire on that mountain… and I am so glad I was there, not India. God had a perfect plan, and I needed that training and to learn those heart lessons before I went to the mission field. I do not know when He will send me to India, but I know to patiently wait on His timing because it is better than I could dream.
When it came time to leave there were many tears... because the mountains hold a peice of my heart, and we were saying goodbye to family. God gave me sisters and brothers in Christ who now live miles and miles away... but we are connected by our passion to love and serve and share Jesus. It was so hard for me to leave, because there I had a specific way to serve and love and share.... and back at school my way of serving is less defined and my days aren't full of adventure and talking about Jesus. But a new season does not mean it's time to stop sharing or loving or serving... it just means I have to be creative and find ways to live for Jesus in regular life, away from Neverland. So here we go, Jesus... it's gonna be hard again... looks like I get to trust You!
Much love!
Snapshots from my summer to come (when I have time to upload photos)