small glimpses of the beauty of my summer
Monday, September 10, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
so much more than a summer...
And so I sit down once again, with my head full of thoughts, my heart full of memories, and my hands just itching to flit across the keyboard and share with the world what I’ve learned. Oh , summer… the elusive wisp of childhood that whispers of a place called Neverland and the carefree days of endless play. My summer had a taste of Neverland, but it was so much more than that. Join me in a trek through the north Georgia mountains to a place that captured my heart and taught me to love…
Camp Highland. When I arrived on the first day I had no idea what I was getting myself into. Driving through the gate in misty rain, I worried about making friends and fitting in and being able to share my heart with young girls… then I put my stuff down in a cabin with no air conditioning and 12 bunk beds and sighed… could I really do this? Then I walked onto the field and joined a staff game of Ultimate Frisbee. Could I do this? Yes. We were all kids here, just playing and loving Jesus together. Exchanging names as we passed the Frisbee, running hard because you knew from the moment you stepped on the field that here at Camp Highland we “play hard.” Then eating lunch on the porch and discovering camp traditions and making friends… yes, I could do this; something about it just felt like coming home.
From then training began. I hiked so many hills and ate more than I ever had in my life. I dug into the Word as if my life depended on it, because it did. I knew from the beginning that it would take a miracle and a lot of Jesus to make it through the summer. We went from 7 til midnight without stopping, and then started all over again the next day. I was learning to harness and belay, going through high ropes courses that terrified me, jumping off of high things, and trusting, always trusting. Whether it was trusting my team to not let me fall at low ropes, trusting my belayer on the rock climbing wall, trusting my harness on the zip line, or trusting my Jesus to give me strength, I was learning to trust as never before. I discovered a side of myself that craved adventure and loved the thrill of putting all my trust in Jesus and taking that leap of faith. I learned to stop holding on so tightly to the ropes that I could see and instead to reach out in faith- He never failed to catch me. Our team bonded so quickly and I laughed at the thought that I was once scared I wouldn’t make friends. These people were my family, and whether we were sitting in the bathroom praying strength over each other or running until we couldn’t breathe chasing a Frisbee- we had each other’s’ backs.
Then came the first Monday morning of the first week one, where excitement was a living thing that bounced all over camp shouting “The kids are coming! The kids are coming!”… From that moment on my life was not the same. All my training and time spent in prayer and preparation came down to this… the forming of relationships between camper and counselor, each learning to open their heart and seek Jesus together. We had so much fun! Whether I was in Cabin 12 with the oldest girls or Cabin 7 with the 7th graders, I was learning and teaching and praying and seeking... and it was exhausting. To pour out so much of yourself to girls who sometimes did not respond, to be full of energy and excitement all the time, to run around in tribal screaming Kikuyu until you were hoarse, to pray until the tears fell over a little girl’s soul… and I learned what it meant to be empty. Empty- nothing left to give. How could I possibly be empty when I knew the Sustainer? I had tried to do it on my own, with His help. What I didn’t realize was that none of me was enough to do any of it. It was all Him. When I relinquished control and stopped saying “I can do it, Jesus, just give me the strength,” and instead I cried, “I can’t do this Jesus, you can”…He did. He gave me strength and joy and peace like I had never felt before. I learned what it was to need Him with every fiber of my being. Although I still was getting much too little sleep for the amount of activity filling my days, tired was no longer a word in my vocabulary. However, I was constantly hungry for His Word. It was a beautiful place to be- so broken and empty, yet whole and filled by the Father- daily. He taught me patience and how to extend grace. Over everything, He taught me to put on love. Every girl had a story, some which would break your heart. Many tears were cried in conviction, and others cried (by me) in frustration. What would it take to reach these girls? Girls with walls built up around their hearts and scars from people and broken trust… girls with stories that I had never experienced… girls that needed Jesus… how do you reach them? Love. By loving without discrimination, without a filter, without a limit… loving with His agape love that knows no end. Loving like that is impossible… but I tried. I tried and failed many times over, but praise God that he makes beautiful things out of my broken attempts. He reached those girls, He broke down those walls, and He simply used me to speak a word or a prayer or give a comforting touch. I learned what it meant to be patient though not seeing how Jesus was moving, and how to extend grace even when I was empty and tired of loving. I learned to see Jesus in the little things and how to talk about Him in all things. Whether we were walking up from the lake and helping the girls remember not to complain, or I was sitting by the fire sharing Jesus with two hungry hearts… every moment was centered around… Jesus. And that made every sleepless night, every exhausted tear, every scrape and bruise, every missed night off worth it. Because the summer was about those kids and the amazing work that He was doing in each one of their lives. The summer was not about me and what I could do, because I couldn’t do anything apart from Him. I was humbled and refined by fire on that mountain… and I am so glad I was there, not India. God had a perfect plan, and I needed that training and to learn those heart lessons before I went to the mission field. I do not know when He will send me to India, but I know to patiently wait on His timing because it is better than I could dream.
When it came time to leave there were many tears... because the mountains hold a peice of my heart, and we were saying goodbye to family. God gave me sisters and brothers in Christ who now live miles and miles away... but we are connected by our passion to love and serve and share Jesus. It was so hard for me to leave, because there I had a specific way to serve and love and share.... and back at school my way of serving is less defined and my days aren't full of adventure and talking about Jesus. But a new season does not mean it's time to stop sharing or loving or serving... it just means I have to be creative and find ways to live for Jesus in regular life, away from Neverland. So here we go, Jesus... it's gonna be hard again... looks like I get to trust You!
Much love!
Snapshots from my summer to come (when I have time to upload photos)
Then came the first Monday morning of the first week one, where excitement was a living thing that bounced all over camp shouting “The kids are coming! The kids are coming!”… From that moment on my life was not the same. All my training and time spent in prayer and preparation came down to this… the forming of relationships between camper and counselor, each learning to open their heart and seek Jesus together. We had so much fun! Whether I was in Cabin 12 with the oldest girls or Cabin 7 with the 7th graders, I was learning and teaching and praying and seeking... and it was exhausting. To pour out so much of yourself to girls who sometimes did not respond, to be full of energy and excitement all the time, to run around in tribal screaming Kikuyu until you were hoarse, to pray until the tears fell over a little girl’s soul… and I learned what it meant to be empty. Empty- nothing left to give. How could I possibly be empty when I knew the Sustainer? I had tried to do it on my own, with His help. What I didn’t realize was that none of me was enough to do any of it. It was all Him. When I relinquished control and stopped saying “I can do it, Jesus, just give me the strength,” and instead I cried, “I can’t do this Jesus, you can”…He did. He gave me strength and joy and peace like I had never felt before. I learned what it was to need Him with every fiber of my being. Although I still was getting much too little sleep for the amount of activity filling my days, tired was no longer a word in my vocabulary. However, I was constantly hungry for His Word. It was a beautiful place to be- so broken and empty, yet whole and filled by the Father- daily. He taught me patience and how to extend grace. Over everything, He taught me to put on love. Every girl had a story, some which would break your heart. Many tears were cried in conviction, and others cried (by me) in frustration. What would it take to reach these girls? Girls with walls built up around their hearts and scars from people and broken trust… girls with stories that I had never experienced… girls that needed Jesus… how do you reach them? Love. By loving without discrimination, without a filter, without a limit… loving with His agape love that knows no end. Loving like that is impossible… but I tried. I tried and failed many times over, but praise God that he makes beautiful things out of my broken attempts. He reached those girls, He broke down those walls, and He simply used me to speak a word or a prayer or give a comforting touch. I learned what it meant to be patient though not seeing how Jesus was moving, and how to extend grace even when I was empty and tired of loving. I learned to see Jesus in the little things and how to talk about Him in all things. Whether we were walking up from the lake and helping the girls remember not to complain, or I was sitting by the fire sharing Jesus with two hungry hearts… every moment was centered around… Jesus. And that made every sleepless night, every exhausted tear, every scrape and bruise, every missed night off worth it. Because the summer was about those kids and the amazing work that He was doing in each one of their lives. The summer was not about me and what I could do, because I couldn’t do anything apart from Him. I was humbled and refined by fire on that mountain… and I am so glad I was there, not India. God had a perfect plan, and I needed that training and to learn those heart lessons before I went to the mission field. I do not know when He will send me to India, but I know to patiently wait on His timing because it is better than I could dream.
When it came time to leave there were many tears... because the mountains hold a peice of my heart, and we were saying goodbye to family. God gave me sisters and brothers in Christ who now live miles and miles away... but we are connected by our passion to love and serve and share Jesus. It was so hard for me to leave, because there I had a specific way to serve and love and share.... and back at school my way of serving is less defined and my days aren't full of adventure and talking about Jesus. But a new season does not mean it's time to stop sharing or loving or serving... it just means I have to be creative and find ways to live for Jesus in regular life, away from Neverland. So here we go, Jesus... it's gonna be hard again... looks like I get to trust You!
Much love!
Snapshots from my summer to come (when I have time to upload photos)
Thursday, May 17, 2012
a glimpse of my heart
My suitcases are packed and I'm counting down. One short day until I leave for camp; then on Monday the adventure will begin. Tonight I was reflecting on the journey thus far. I didn't have time to blog while this was all happening, but it was a roller coaster ride that led up to the decision that I was to work at Camp Highland this summer. So, friends, join me on a journey to the past that shouts of God's goodness even in the midst of my doubt...
Let me start with a quote from David Livingston that best captures my heart when it comes to reaching the nations:
"Lord send me anywhere, only go with me.
Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.
Sever any tie but the tie that binds me to Thy service and Thy heart."
I heard this in my Intercultural Studies class, which is fitting since I left that class many days with tears in my eyes and a certainty that if I had the money I would be on a plane within the hour- going to some people somewhere who had never heard the Gospel. Have you ever had your heart hurt so bad it felt like it was breaking... for people you have never even met? Have you ever heard statistics and been able to put faces with the apalling numbers? Have you ever wanted to take someone's pain away so much that you were willing to give up everything if only you could find a way to help them? Have you ever wondered why we have so much but others have so little? Have you ever cried for the thousands that have never heard of Jesus because we are too comfortable here in America to go and tell them? I have. I have cried. I have prayed. Yet I am here, in America. I want to go. Every single day I ask God why I am still here, when it seems like I could do so much more over there... and He says wait. He says to trust Him. So I do. But my heart still hurts for the millions who are malnourished... for the poor little feet that bleed and swell for lack of shoes... for the tears of hoplessness shed in the face of disease that could be prevented if only they had money for medical care... for the children without homes, roaming the streets without parents... for the filth of poverty and the lost eyes that have no reason to live and so choose to give up... but in these tear-filled eyes, precious feet, and disease-ridden little bodies I see a purpose for which God created them... a purpose they will never discover if someone doesn't tell them that they are important and loved. They need food in their bellies, a bath, and a hug... and they need to know my Jesus who heals and restores and redeems and adopts. He can be a father to the 143 million orphaned children. He can be the Bread of Life and Healer to the 11 million who die from starvation and preventable disease. He can set free the 8.5 million who are child prostitutes and slaves. But someone has to go and tell them about Him. Someone has to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I want to be that someone.
I tell you all of this because it is part of my story. It is part of my story because it weighs on my heart. These needy children and lost people are the reason I am not satisfied with my life in America. I do not claim to be better than anyone, I have simply seen the magnitude of the need and I know my God commands that I do something about it. This is why I am going to be a medical missionary. This is the only reason I stay in college. College is ridiculously expensive, but I know as a nurse I can meet physical needs and open the door for the gospel. I was not made for the First World. I was a broken, filthy beggar and God looked at me, calling me his child, and gave me the Bread of Life. I was made for the Third World- to take this Bread and offer it to other beggars... because I am just like them and the hope I have is for them too.
That was a very long rabbit trail, but a necessary glimpse of my heart. Back to the story: I applied to work CentriKid camp this summer, but I was put on the waiting list. I was sure that was the plan God had for me, so when it fell through I was devastated. I also wanted desperately to do international missions, but I felt like God was telling me to wait, that he needed to grow me more and He would do that through a camp setting. So, after I was wait listed for CentriKid I began to look into other options. I heard about Camp Highland through my friend Jenni at church, so I applied. I also applied to WinShape. By this point I knew that God had put the country of India on my heart. I looked into IMB summer mission trips to India. I didn't find any that would work with my schedule and talents, so I focused my attention on camps. After interviewing for both camps, I went back online to check for more IMB trips to India. I found one trip with one opening left on the team, and it was exactly what I wanted to do- 2 months in India, going to unreached people groups with the Gospel, planting churches, discipleship, and proclaiming Jesus while blending into the culture in native clothing. I prayed about it and felt like God was leading me to apply. I had to get my passport information from my mother, who voiced some hesitation about me going that far by myself and how I would pay for it. I knew if it was God's will He would provide, and I would go. But what was God's will? While my application was being processed, I received a call from Camp Highland offering me a job as a summer camp counselor. I was ecstatic. I prayed about it, and I had peace about accepting the job, but I wondered what to do about India. I hadn't heard back from them and I still really wanted to go. I accepted the job with Camp Highland, and my prayer became, "Please, please, please Father let the IMB say no to my India application!" That was Thursday... on Saturday I received and email from the IMB saying that my application had been approved and I was on the team to go to India. I cried. This wasn't supposed to happen. This team was so selective and I didn't think I was nearly qualified enough! How did I get that spot? Was I supposed to take it and tell Camp Highland no? I locked the door to my dorm room, got on my knees and sobbed to my Father. How could He do this? What was I supposed to choose? What was His will? I knew I needed to search the Word, but where do you even start with a question like that??? With blurry eyes, tears sprinkling the pages, I opened to my reading for the day- and God spoke. Psalm 86:4,11-12,16-17; Isaiah 30:1,12-15,18-22; Is. 32:2-4... God showed me that although India was his plan for me I had taken that gift (a passion and a burden for a people group is a gift) and I ran with it. I was so excited to know that I rushed blindly ahead of God and forged my own path. Instead of walking with God I ran ahead of Him, and when I looked back to see if He was following I realized that the gift had lost its beauty. When a gift is taken away from God's perfect timing it turns into rags and peices of trash...because it becomes my dream, my way, instead of the beautiful gem of God's plan, God's way. I was filled with anxiety and fear because the dream was slipping through my fingers... but God was standing there, wiping the tears from my eyes, saying "My dear child, stop running. Give me back that dream, that gift, that promise. It never was yours to hang onto. It is too big for you to carry. Surrender it to me." So there, on the floor of my dorm room I tearfully surrendered the gift that was never mine to the Giver who was the only one big enough to hold onto it for me. Part of that surrender meant letting go of my plan. My plan had been to show how much I trusted God by going on the India trip and letting Him work miracles and bring the money together in just a few short months. That was going to be my leap of faith. But He didn't ask that of me. Like Abraham with Isaac, the knife raised to slay his only son, I had my future on the altar, ready to sacrifice the known for the unknown... and God provided another way. He said "I know you are willing... but not this time." It hurt. I was relieved that I didn't have to take that leap of faith just yet, but a dream was dying. I longed to go to India, because that was the passion God had put inside me. How could He ask me to wait? Because He is the Giver of the gift... and He never breaks His promises. "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends. With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9 This verse comforted me and gave me peace. Not only was it confirming that God would fulfill His promise and I would go to India one day in His time, it was also a reminder that God loves those people so much more than I do. He does not want them to die and go to hell either. He desires the salvation of their souls more fiercely than I do. Knowing that, I can rest assured that his timing is perfect and He will take me to India when He desires to use me there. Until then, I am to be used by Him here. I am to bring Him glory and share the Gospel as a counselor at Camp Highland this summer. I couldn't be more excited. My heart still longs for India, but I have an unexplainable peace that His will is for me to work camp this summer, and wait for His timing for India.
Now you can see why I am eagerly anticipating this summer. I know God is going to stretch me and grow me in new ways. His plan for me exceeds anything I could imagine, and if being in the center of His will means remaining in America for a bit longer (even though I don't understand)- I will obey.
Glory to God.
Let me start with a quote from David Livingston that best captures my heart when it comes to reaching the nations:
"Lord send me anywhere, only go with me.
Lay any burden on me, only sustain me.
Sever any tie but the tie that binds me to Thy service and Thy heart."
I heard this in my Intercultural Studies class, which is fitting since I left that class many days with tears in my eyes and a certainty that if I had the money I would be on a plane within the hour- going to some people somewhere who had never heard the Gospel. Have you ever had your heart hurt so bad it felt like it was breaking... for people you have never even met? Have you ever heard statistics and been able to put faces with the apalling numbers? Have you ever wanted to take someone's pain away so much that you were willing to give up everything if only you could find a way to help them? Have you ever wondered why we have so much but others have so little? Have you ever cried for the thousands that have never heard of Jesus because we are too comfortable here in America to go and tell them? I have. I have cried. I have prayed. Yet I am here, in America. I want to go. Every single day I ask God why I am still here, when it seems like I could do so much more over there... and He says wait. He says to trust Him. So I do. But my heart still hurts for the millions who are malnourished... for the poor little feet that bleed and swell for lack of shoes... for the tears of hoplessness shed in the face of disease that could be prevented if only they had money for medical care... for the children without homes, roaming the streets without parents... for the filth of poverty and the lost eyes that have no reason to live and so choose to give up... but in these tear-filled eyes, precious feet, and disease-ridden little bodies I see a purpose for which God created them... a purpose they will never discover if someone doesn't tell them that they are important and loved. They need food in their bellies, a bath, and a hug... and they need to know my Jesus who heals and restores and redeems and adopts. He can be a father to the 143 million orphaned children. He can be the Bread of Life and Healer to the 11 million who die from starvation and preventable disease. He can set free the 8.5 million who are child prostitutes and slaves. But someone has to go and tell them about Him. Someone has to be the hands and feet of Jesus. I want to be that someone.
I tell you all of this because it is part of my story. It is part of my story because it weighs on my heart. These needy children and lost people are the reason I am not satisfied with my life in America. I do not claim to be better than anyone, I have simply seen the magnitude of the need and I know my God commands that I do something about it. This is why I am going to be a medical missionary. This is the only reason I stay in college. College is ridiculously expensive, but I know as a nurse I can meet physical needs and open the door for the gospel. I was not made for the First World. I was a broken, filthy beggar and God looked at me, calling me his child, and gave me the Bread of Life. I was made for the Third World- to take this Bread and offer it to other beggars... because I am just like them and the hope I have is for them too.
That was a very long rabbit trail, but a necessary glimpse of my heart. Back to the story: I applied to work CentriKid camp this summer, but I was put on the waiting list. I was sure that was the plan God had for me, so when it fell through I was devastated. I also wanted desperately to do international missions, but I felt like God was telling me to wait, that he needed to grow me more and He would do that through a camp setting. So, after I was wait listed for CentriKid I began to look into other options. I heard about Camp Highland through my friend Jenni at church, so I applied. I also applied to WinShape. By this point I knew that God had put the country of India on my heart. I looked into IMB summer mission trips to India. I didn't find any that would work with my schedule and talents, so I focused my attention on camps. After interviewing for both camps, I went back online to check for more IMB trips to India. I found one trip with one opening left on the team, and it was exactly what I wanted to do- 2 months in India, going to unreached people groups with the Gospel, planting churches, discipleship, and proclaiming Jesus while blending into the culture in native clothing. I prayed about it and felt like God was leading me to apply. I had to get my passport information from my mother, who voiced some hesitation about me going that far by myself and how I would pay for it. I knew if it was God's will He would provide, and I would go. But what was God's will? While my application was being processed, I received a call from Camp Highland offering me a job as a summer camp counselor. I was ecstatic. I prayed about it, and I had peace about accepting the job, but I wondered what to do about India. I hadn't heard back from them and I still really wanted to go. I accepted the job with Camp Highland, and my prayer became, "Please, please, please Father let the IMB say no to my India application!" That was Thursday... on Saturday I received and email from the IMB saying that my application had been approved and I was on the team to go to India. I cried. This wasn't supposed to happen. This team was so selective and I didn't think I was nearly qualified enough! How did I get that spot? Was I supposed to take it and tell Camp Highland no? I locked the door to my dorm room, got on my knees and sobbed to my Father. How could He do this? What was I supposed to choose? What was His will? I knew I needed to search the Word, but where do you even start with a question like that??? With blurry eyes, tears sprinkling the pages, I opened to my reading for the day- and God spoke. Psalm 86:4,11-12,16-17; Isaiah 30:1,12-15,18-22; Is. 32:2-4... God showed me that although India was his plan for me I had taken that gift (a passion and a burden for a people group is a gift) and I ran with it. I was so excited to know that I rushed blindly ahead of God and forged my own path. Instead of walking with God I ran ahead of Him, and when I looked back to see if He was following I realized that the gift had lost its beauty. When a gift is taken away from God's perfect timing it turns into rags and peices of trash...because it becomes my dream, my way, instead of the beautiful gem of God's plan, God's way. I was filled with anxiety and fear because the dream was slipping through my fingers... but God was standing there, wiping the tears from my eyes, saying "My dear child, stop running. Give me back that dream, that gift, that promise. It never was yours to hang onto. It is too big for you to carry. Surrender it to me." So there, on the floor of my dorm room I tearfully surrendered the gift that was never mine to the Giver who was the only one big enough to hold onto it for me. Part of that surrender meant letting go of my plan. My plan had been to show how much I trusted God by going on the India trip and letting Him work miracles and bring the money together in just a few short months. That was going to be my leap of faith. But He didn't ask that of me. Like Abraham with Isaac, the knife raised to slay his only son, I had my future on the altar, ready to sacrifice the known for the unknown... and God provided another way. He said "I know you are willing... but not this time." It hurt. I was relieved that I didn't have to take that leap of faith just yet, but a dream was dying. I longed to go to India, because that was the passion God had put inside me. How could He ask me to wait? Because He is the Giver of the gift... and He never breaks His promises. "But do not forget this one thing, dear friends. With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping His promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance." 2 Peter 3:8-9 This verse comforted me and gave me peace. Not only was it confirming that God would fulfill His promise and I would go to India one day in His time, it was also a reminder that God loves those people so much more than I do. He does not want them to die and go to hell either. He desires the salvation of their souls more fiercely than I do. Knowing that, I can rest assured that his timing is perfect and He will take me to India when He desires to use me there. Until then, I am to be used by Him here. I am to bring Him glory and share the Gospel as a counselor at Camp Highland this summer. I couldn't be more excited. My heart still longs for India, but I have an unexplainable peace that His will is for me to work camp this summer, and wait for His timing for India.
Now you can see why I am eagerly anticipating this summer. I know God is going to stretch me and grow me in new ways. His plan for me exceeds anything I could imagine, and if being in the center of His will means remaining in America for a bit longer (even though I don't understand)- I will obey.
Glory to God.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Looking back...
Looking back on this semester, and even further back to this year… I’m in awe at what God has done. So much has changed and college has been so different from what I expected. It has been entirely too long since I blogged, but I feel like spring semester flew by much faster than the fall. My last blog was about waiting on God. Since then, God has given me direction. This summer I will be working at Camp Highland in Ellijay, Georgia. I am so excited about this opportunity to serve and pour into the lives of young kids!!!!!
Looking back on my first year of college as a whole… I have no words or pictures that can truly capture the year. I entered in the fall as a freshman- a new girl in a new place with a head full of hopes and dreams- and I emerge as a sophomore with many new friends, a journal full of things that God has taught me… and a few more hopes and dreams. The biggest lesson I have learned is that my God is FAITHFUL. When I had no friends in the fall- He provided. When I needed a best friend who understood me completely- He sent Lucy Beth. When I was stressed over classes- He provided peace in His presence. When I needed an answer about this summer… He answered. His ways are not my ways and his provision for this summer is not at all what I expected or asked for… but “to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.” Ephesians 3:20-21. When I lacked trust- He gave me faith. When I was overwhelmed- He sustained me. When my best friend transferred- He was all I needed. When I needed a new roommate- Anna asked me to room with her. When I needed a church- He made First Baptist North Mobile my church home. When I needed a small group- He sent Sarah Sullins, Memorie, Tori, Bex, and Abby to be my go-to girls. When I needed direction- He gave me professors to open my eyes to the truth surrounding me. When I was avoiding His conviction- He sent Samantha to call me out. When I lacked joy and was drowning in despair based on my tendency to try and work for my sanctification- He reminded me of His power and grace…and He filled me with joy. Even when I ran from Him… He never stopped pursuing me. His grace IS sufficient and His power IS made perfect in my weakness. I am overwhelmed by His faithfulness. I choose to live in His power.
This time last year I was getting my prom dress fitted, picking out stuff for my dorm, and I couldn’t wait for graduation! Now I’m breaking in my Chacos, picking out supplies for camp, and I can’t wait for this next season that God has for me!
From August to May, all I can say is: I am blessed. God is SO good.
Through the valley I am reminded of His faithfulness. Beginning the climb up the mountain- I see how hard it will be, but in His strength I will make it. Next semester (in the fall) I will be a Ram Rush leader, on Honors Council, a nanny for Katie and Jeff, beginning my nursing classes (Anatomy and Physiology!), and who knows what else. It will be hard, but not impossible. I am looking forward to this summer as an escape- I will be in the mountains (where my heart can breathe) in the “camp bubble” drawing close to God, and learning to rely on his strength even more. I know that whatever the fall brings, He will walk through it with me, and He will remain my joy. I appreciate your prayers for this summer- that God will use me, but most importantly that He will change the hearts of those kids.
More blogs soon I hope! I will be computer-less and phone-less except on weekends, so we shall see how many blogs get written. I think the lack of technology will be refreshing :)
Much love!
This time last year I was getting my prom dress fitted, picking out stuff for my dorm, and I couldn’t wait for graduation! Now I’m breaking in my Chacos, picking out supplies for camp, and I can’t wait for this next season that God has for me!
From August to May, all I can say is: I am blessed. God is SO good.
Through the valley I am reminded of His faithfulness. Beginning the climb up the mountain- I see how hard it will be, but in His strength I will make it. Next semester (in the fall) I will be a Ram Rush leader, on Honors Council, a nanny for Katie and Jeff, beginning my nursing classes (Anatomy and Physiology!), and who knows what else. It will be hard, but not impossible. I am looking forward to this summer as an escape- I will be in the mountains (where my heart can breathe) in the “camp bubble” drawing close to God, and learning to rely on his strength even more. I know that whatever the fall brings, He will walk through it with me, and He will remain my joy. I appreciate your prayers for this summer- that God will use me, but most importantly that He will change the hearts of those kids.
More blogs soon I hope! I will be computer-less and phone-less except on weekends, so we shall see how many blogs get written. I think the lack of technology will be refreshing :)
Much love!
Friday, January 20, 2012
looking up... and waiting
I am so thankful that God doesn't get impatient with me. His love is perfect and His patience is never-ending... and I forget so easily. Why do I have such a short memory of God's faithfulness? I don't know, but last night I think He was laughing as He gently but powerfully opened my eyes. It felt like he was shaking me awake, saying, "Look UP!"
I was sharing my confusion about what God is doing in my life with my friend Samantha, and she said she read something that made her think of me, so I read it. I love when God sends encouragement and direction through my sisters in Christ... that's why Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to give up meeting together. I just want to share the passage from a little book called His Princess by Sheri Rose Shepherd:
I was sharing my confusion about what God is doing in my life with my friend Samantha, and she said she read something that made her think of me, so I read it. I love when God sends encouragement and direction through my sisters in Christ... that's why Hebrews 10:25 tells us not to give up meeting together. I just want to share the passage from a little book called His Princess by Sheri Rose Shepherd:
Wait on me, My princess. My timing is always perfect. I know you're anxious about many things, and I see your passion for the plans I have put in your heart. I know that you long to fly, and I see your enthusiasm. However, just as a vinedresser nurtures the vine and waits patiently for the right moment to harvest the grapes, so too am I working tirelessly to prepare you to bear much fruit. Don't run ahead of Me or try to fly before My plans are complete. Your strength will fail you, and your dreams will wither away. Trust Me that My dreams for you are far greater than you can dream on your own. You will run farther and soar higher if you will patiently wait for the season of My blessing. Draw close to Me now, and I promise that this season of waiting will bring you the sweetest of rewards.
Love,
Your King and Lord of perfect timings
"But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
This was a much needed reminder. My Father is faithful. He is working everything out. I don't have to worry, or try to run with this dream on my own... I just need to wait patiently... listening and drawing close to Him in the process. It's not about the destination... it's not about what I end up doing with my summer... it's about the journey. It's about what I learn and how I let God mold me along the way.
After reading this sweet confirmation that I am right where He wants me... waiting (still), He proceeded to shower His majesty on me and prove just How in control He is.
I was reading throught the material for the DNow I will be leading in a couple weeks, and God decided to wake me up. The first verse for the lesson that I read? John 14:1 "Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God..." God has no need of shouting when His written Word can shake you to your very core. This verse... this is what God convicted me of and set me free from! Had I forgotten so quickly in Whom my trust rests? Apparently so. No, I wasn't taking back control, but a small part of me was trying to figure things out on my own and I do not have the ability to figure out anything. He holds the plan for my life. A troubled heart is one focused on self instead of God. Then, I read the biblical commentary that StudentLife provided with the lesson and God spoke. Loudly. The reason He said "do not let your hearts be troubled" is because He knew that mine was. Jesus knows that I have limited understanding about what is to come, and He is offering comfort. He doesn't just say "Oh, don't worry about it," He offers a clear alternative: believe in Him. "The remedy to pain, worry, and doubt in this life is faith in Christ." BAM. okay, God, you have my full attention. There is significance that Jesus refers to our hearts, because I am responsible for my heart, but I have entrusted it to Jesus. He will continue to prove trustworthy, just as He did for the disciples in John 14. "Through this trust their sorrow and confusion could be relieved, and they would be sustained in the trials to come." He IS our Sustainer.
God wasn't done...verse 2, the commentary says "Christ also reminded His disciples that even if they did not understand, they could always trust Him. 'If that were not so, would I have told you?' Jesus is not setting them up for failure or even for blind faith. He assured them that He only speaks the truth and has revealed to them all they need to know at this point in their lives." Throughout His ministry, Jesus called people to "follow Him" and called them out for having "little faith" because the only way to truth and life is by trusting Him. He called me out. I am so humbled, and so very thankful that He woke me up and did not leave me wandering in my confusion!
One last word He showed me in the study was Hebrews 10:19-25. I could just feel Him smiling on me and saying,"Oh my silly little daughter, do you not remember how I moved before? Have you already forgotten that I speak and I guide, even if you don't see Me?" Because these verses are the ones that He used to bring healing and freedom to my life at Passion:
"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on to love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another- and all the more as you see the Day approaching."
He has proven His faithfulness so many times, and I will trust him always.
Songs on my heart:
"I won't move until You move me, I will wait... as long as it takes.
You're the Sustainer, so be enough for me.
You are my Father, and your love for me is where I find my rest."
As Long As It Takes -Meredith Andrews
Thursday, January 12, 2012
India
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?"
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
He said, "Go and tell this people..." (Isaiah 6:8-9)
What people? Go and tell what people, God? I'm going. I know you called me, and I said I'd go. But where???????
For so long that has been my question. Not anymore. Sometimes, when God makes His will known, I get this odd feeling... It's a mix between wanting to jump up and down and spin in circles then fall down at His feet in adoration... and getting on my knees, bent low because it feels like my heart is breaking -hurting with the pain of a nation.
I'm going to India.
I don't know where, I don't know how, and I don't know for how long. I do know that God has put this nation so indelibly on my heart that I will never be the same again.
The excitement and happiness is from knowing. Knowing that vague feeling "I should go to India" is replaced by a definite "I'm going to India." Knowing that every step leading up to this point was preparing my heart to love a nation. Knowing that God has put these people on my heart and will use me to touch one. Knowing that if I can touch one, it will all be worth it. Knowing that I haven't barely tasted love for this country yet, and I won't until I set foot on that foreign soil. Knowing that I am called and set apart to be a light to India. Knowing that my mission starts now, not when I get there.
With this direction and excitement for the future also come glimpses of pain and suffering, and my heart hurts for India. God has broken my heart for these people. I just spent hours researching India, and I want to share a little of what I found. So you can understand why I'm so excited, yet so burdened for this country.
There are 2,223 unreached people groups in India. That's over 5 times more than those in China, the next most unreached nation.
412 million Indians have never heard the name of Jesus.
India has the largest number of orphans in the world.
33o million objects of worship in India- they're looking anywhere and everywhere for salvation... and so many are missing it
70% of the population is illiterate.
86% of the population lives on less than $2.50 a day. (stats from Mission India)
Dalits are those beneath the caste system. Considered "untouchable" by everyone, they are worse than poor- they're outcasts. They are not viewed as humans, rather people see them as a shame upon the earth and polluted. After accidentally coming in contact with one, a person of higher caste has to purify himself. They are undesirable and expendable. 40 million of these Dalits are slaves or live in slave-like conditions. They are in bondage to pay off inherited debts and live on less than $1 a day, making freedom impossible. The women are frequently the victims of rape and sex trafficking, because they are seen as "good for nothing else." This broke my heart and I simultaneously cried, "Lord send me to them. Those people are the 'least of these'."
But as I researched further, I discovered something amazing. For hundreds of years India has been closed to God and Christianity. However, recently there have been movements of Christianity and people are coming to know Christ like no other time in India's history. The awesome part? This movement to Christianity is coming from the bottom rung of the social ladder- from the Dalites. The least of these, the untouchables, the forsaken are finding freedom and LIFE in Christ. Truly the last will be first in the kingdom of God! (Matthew 20:16) These people, rejected by men, are finding it easy to trust in God because their eyes are not blinded by social standing or wealth or fear of popular opinion. These people are willing to give their lives for Christ because He truly is the only reason to live. They are shaking the social order, and the news of Christ is moving up the ladder of the caste system... from the very outcasts Jesus would have befriended in His day. It is obvious God is doing something big in India, and I desperately want to be a part of it!
There is a reason "Send me!" has an exclamation point after it. Once you have heard the call of God and felt His hand open your heart to love... you just want to GO! I want to go. Right now. But I don't want to rush ahead of God and end up drowning in my enthusiasm, so I am praying and waiting for His direction. I appreciate your prayers as well, because there are possibilites for me to go this summer, but if that's God's will then it will require some major trust... because it's expensive and I definitely don't have the money. So here I am. Waiting to be sent, but also praying for this country that has captured my heart.
More later, but for now... goodnight. Praise Him. My heart rejoices in the Lord!
Verse for tonight sent via text as an encouragement from Lucy Beth (thanks, love): 1 Samuel 2:6-10
And I said, "Here am I. Send me!"
He said, "Go and tell this people..." (Isaiah 6:8-9)
What people? Go and tell what people, God? I'm going. I know you called me, and I said I'd go. But where???????
For so long that has been my question. Not anymore. Sometimes, when God makes His will known, I get this odd feeling... It's a mix between wanting to jump up and down and spin in circles then fall down at His feet in adoration... and getting on my knees, bent low because it feels like my heart is breaking -hurting with the pain of a nation.
I'm going to India.
I don't know where, I don't know how, and I don't know for how long. I do know that God has put this nation so indelibly on my heart that I will never be the same again.
The excitement and happiness is from knowing. Knowing that vague feeling "I should go to India" is replaced by a definite "I'm going to India." Knowing that every step leading up to this point was preparing my heart to love a nation. Knowing that God has put these people on my heart and will use me to touch one. Knowing that if I can touch one, it will all be worth it. Knowing that I haven't barely tasted love for this country yet, and I won't until I set foot on that foreign soil. Knowing that I am called and set apart to be a light to India. Knowing that my mission starts now, not when I get there.
With this direction and excitement for the future also come glimpses of pain and suffering, and my heart hurts for India. God has broken my heart for these people. I just spent hours researching India, and I want to share a little of what I found. So you can understand why I'm so excited, yet so burdened for this country.
There are 2,223 unreached people groups in India. That's over 5 times more than those in China, the next most unreached nation.
412 million Indians have never heard the name of Jesus.
India has the largest number of orphans in the world.
33o million objects of worship in India- they're looking anywhere and everywhere for salvation... and so many are missing it
70% of the population is illiterate.
86% of the population lives on less than $2.50 a day. (stats from Mission India)
Dalits are those beneath the caste system. Considered "untouchable" by everyone, they are worse than poor- they're outcasts. They are not viewed as humans, rather people see them as a shame upon the earth and polluted. After accidentally coming in contact with one, a person of higher caste has to purify himself. They are undesirable and expendable. 40 million of these Dalits are slaves or live in slave-like conditions. They are in bondage to pay off inherited debts and live on less than $1 a day, making freedom impossible. The women are frequently the victims of rape and sex trafficking, because they are seen as "good for nothing else." This broke my heart and I simultaneously cried, "Lord send me to them. Those people are the 'least of these'."
But as I researched further, I discovered something amazing. For hundreds of years India has been closed to God and Christianity. However, recently there have been movements of Christianity and people are coming to know Christ like no other time in India's history. The awesome part? This movement to Christianity is coming from the bottom rung of the social ladder- from the Dalites. The least of these, the untouchables, the forsaken are finding freedom and LIFE in Christ. Truly the last will be first in the kingdom of God! (Matthew 20:16) These people, rejected by men, are finding it easy to trust in God because their eyes are not blinded by social standing or wealth or fear of popular opinion. These people are willing to give their lives for Christ because He truly is the only reason to live. They are shaking the social order, and the news of Christ is moving up the ladder of the caste system... from the very outcasts Jesus would have befriended in His day. It is obvious God is doing something big in India, and I desperately want to be a part of it!
There is a reason "Send me!" has an exclamation point after it. Once you have heard the call of God and felt His hand open your heart to love... you just want to GO! I want to go. Right now. But I don't want to rush ahead of God and end up drowning in my enthusiasm, so I am praying and waiting for His direction. I appreciate your prayers as well, because there are possibilites for me to go this summer, but if that's God's will then it will require some major trust... because it's expensive and I definitely don't have the money. So here I am. Waiting to be sent, but also praying for this country that has captured my heart.
More later, but for now... goodnight. Praise Him. My heart rejoices in the Lord!
Verse for tonight sent via text as an encouragement from Lucy Beth (thanks, love): 1 Samuel 2:6-10
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Fearless
May this be my prayer:
"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." Ephesians 6:19-20
Paul didn't pray for his chains to be removed, but that every word from His mouth would magnify Christ. He prayed to be fearless, even in the middle of trial and suffering.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
Christ has overcome. Live in freedom, and help others do the same.
"Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should." Ephesians 6:19-20
Paul didn't pray for his chains to be removed, but that every word from His mouth would magnify Christ. He prayed to be fearless, even in the middle of trial and suffering.
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
Christ has overcome. Live in freedom, and help others do the same.
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