Freedom.

Where to begin? I'm sitting down to write about Passion, with the knowledge that this will not be a short post to write or read... However, I ask whoever reads this to bear with me- I promise it's worth your time. This is the story of a heart set free, and for you to understand, I should start with some background...

This last semester has been really tough for me. The whole time I felt like I was wandering through life so dreadfully alone, and I couldn't hold onto the elusive joy- and I knew I was failing at following Christ. Why was it so hard for me to be satisfied in Him? Finally I realized it was because I didn't trust Him. I trusted that He saved me from my sin, but I didn't trust Him with the day to day decisions in my life or with my future. The awful thing is that I knew this was wrong, and it was a constant struggle between my will and His. I wanted to give in and let Him lead but I didn't want to give up all my control. This led to a battle. He would show me my lack of trust, I would repent, and I would have peace. A few days later I would fall right back into the habit of not trusting and trying to run my own life. I stayed stressed out and overwhelmed... and since I wasn't trusting Him I had a void in my heart, a small peice of me had died. So I tried to fill that void with other friendships... but that didn't work either because I wasn't finding my identity in Him. This led to a whole lot of issues that I won't get into now, but it basically affected every area of my life.


Fast forward to Passion. I knew I had this issue but I didn't think there was a way out of it. Then, Beth Moore spoke on healing. She spoke from Luke 8:43-48, a holy interruption, and said the biggest reason we hide our need is fear of what it will do to us socially. I saw the truth of this in my own life. I had been pushing aside God's conviction about my lack of trust because I knew dealing with it required admitting to others that I had a problem. Then she said something I think we all overlook: You don't have to wait for Him to touch you, you can reach out. Do you have the faith to reach out and take hold of the hem of his robe to get healing? He makes himself available. Then Beth said, "Some of you believe you're so broken you keep going back to the mud because you think you can't be cleansed." This was me. I thought I was destined to live shackled to my fear and lack of trust, always wondering what God's will was but never having the courage or direction to do anything about it. Then in Hebrews 10:22-23 God showed me how I could break the chains holding me captive: "Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for He who promised is faithful." My cry as I left that session? Father, CLEAN ME!


The next session Christine Cain spoke on slavery and suffering, and how we need to do something now. We were put here for a purpose and what is so important in this temporal world to keep us from living for that purpose? One line has stuck with me and echoed through the inactive and complacent areas of my life "As if the purpose of life is to arrive at death safely?" NO. We are to be fearless followers of Christ, because we do not have to fear what he has already overcome! I left the session with my brain awhirl... My lack of trust, being ineffective in my fear, all the darkness of the world and we hold the light...


I knew I wasn't going to be able to think straight until I spent some time with God to work out what this meant for my own life. I went to the prayer room and gave it ALL to God... I surrendered everything. He made me whole again and I knew my battle with trust was over because Christ overcame. However, it didn't end there. A journey of trusting God begins anew each day. Every day it's a conscious decision to trust Him with everything. A decision to give him control. A decision to follow His will with no fear of what may come. But I experienced healing in that room, and after that I could finally truthfully say, "It will be my joy to say: Your will! Your way!" He is faithful, and I know that those chains of control that held me for so long will not take me captive again. I experienced freedom at the foot of the cross, and ...well, I'm getting ahead of myself. That revelation came the next day...


So, this will seem unrelated, but bear with me. I am a very light sleeper, so that night I only got 2 hours of sleep... for various reasons. The next morning I woke up discouraged. How in the world was I going to make it through the day on 2 hours of sleep when it was a 30 minute walk to the dome and meals were grab and go? I knew I was going to crash. I asked a couple of friends to pray for me... that I would stay awake and that God would move in my life. Let's just say God definitely did more that I ever expected or imagined! The whole day I had so much energy and joy; it was unreal. I don't function off two hours of sleep. It wasn't until Piper spoke that night (I was wide awake- not a bit sleepy) that I realized the name of what I had been experiencing all day. FREEDOM.


John Piper's message was probably my favorite, if for no other reason than God showed me so much about my walk with Him that I was left speechless in awe. Piper's main point: Seeing and savoring the supremacy of Jesus Christ frees you from the bondage of sin for the sacrifices of love. (Seeing and savoring=being satisfied=trusting God) This rocked Amanda's world. The reason I couldn't see God? I wasn't trusting him. The reason I wasn't satisfied? I hadn't been trusting God. The reason I couldn't love others the way God called me to? I wasn't seeing and savoring Him, being satisfied in Him, or trusting Him. I realized that up until the day before, when God brought me healing, I had been in the bondage of sin. (Let's just say I took 6 pages of notes on Piper, but I won't get into all of that...I'll pull out the main points) "The more you trust Him, the more free you are." Whoa. This meant that since I hadn't been trusting him I hadn't been truly free. Suddenly my heart was crying for freedom. I had such an intense longing for God... and to figure out what this meant for my life. There was one thing I knew without a doubt: Part of me had been dead, but when God healed me He made that part of me alive again. I was confused, because I knew I accepted Christ as my Savior when I was 7... So how could part of me be dead? Part of me was dead because I had taken that part of myself out of God's hands and was holding it tightly in my own. When I let go, He brought me to life. Louie Giglio came up after Piper spoke and asked those who had been brought from death to life, who had given God everything, to stand. I didn't want to. I'm not one for big emotional moments. I started to worry what people would think. Then I realized... What does it matter? God has given me freedom! I have nothing to fear. So what if people think I'm a new Christian? I know what Christ did in my life. He did bring me to life, and in this freedom I stood.


Afterward Lucy Beth and I were so overwhelmed at what God had done, we knew we needed to talk about it and work through what this newfound freedom meant for our lives. A lot of prayer, some tears and digging into the Word led to me writing this in my journal: "I have been set free. Tonight, I stepped from the darkness of sin into light. Praise Him! I surrender. Everything I am no longer bound by the chains of my own making. Chains of mistrust, doubt, control, and selfish pride... are gone! For the first time in my life I am truly FREE! The darkness of sin has no hold on me. His LIFE fills me. Part of me was dead, but now all of me is alive. I know I asked Christ into my heart at VBS when I was 7, but as Piper said, living for His supreme renown is a desire not a decision. Now God has all of me, I'm holding nothing back. I have no fear because I am free. I desire Him with all I am because I trust Him with all I am..." I raise my white flag. I surrender all to you. All for You. I raise my white flag. The war is over, love has come. Love has won... I lay me down I'm not my own, I belong to you alone.


"If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind it is for you. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again." 2 Corinthians 5:13-15
I found this verse after Piper's message, and I love it because I felt like I was out of mind (still do)... but we are living for him so what does it matter? :)

The crazy part is Lucy Beth's idea. She's my best friend, and you'd have to know us and the awesomeness of our God to understand what happened next. Walking back to our hotels, we started talking about how we need to do something now. So many people are slaves to things like pride, anger, high expectations, control, selfishness... and we want everyone to experience the healing and freedom that God gave us! There's not a step by step process, it's a journey. So, Lucy said, "I want to write a book, and I want you to help me." "Ok, I'm in." And that's the beginning. We're going to tell people's stories, in their own words, about what they are slaves to and how they found freedom. If they haven't found freedom then we can share the wonderful neews that they can get out of the bondage of that sin! Yeah, it's crazy. But it's for Christ. I refuse to sit around and do nothing until "I grow up" when God has given me the opportunity to do something right now. Yeah it's scary, but I know He is with us. We went back to the hotel and had an awesome time of digging into the Word where He confirmed His will again and again. So, if you have a story... because most do... of bondage and freedom and Christ rocking your world, let me know :) Our goal is to bring healing and show the power of God over the evil one of the world. I'm excited!
I'm also excited about this hunger God has given me for his Word... I can't get enough of it!

Favorite verses right now:
"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what He has promised. For in just a very little while, 'He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith. And if he shrinks back, I will not be pleased with him.' But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved." Hebrews 10:35-39 (emphasis added)

There's my heart :)

How GREAT is our God!

This was one of my favorite moments of Passion 2012... Voices of the nations joining together to worship God in adoration and uncontainable joy! Background, culture, nationality, language... these were not a source of division but a unity in song that revealed the beauty and power of our great, uncontainable, awesome God! It was a tiny glimpse of heaven... Surrounded by 42,000 believers from various nations, each lifting their song and heart to their Savior. How great is our God!

Then when Louie asked us to lift up the nations in prayer, to hear the voices of my brothers and sisters in Christ raised to intercede on behalf of the captives, the broken, the enslaved, and the believers around the world...God was there, and He moved in power. He heard the voices of His children, and heard their cry of FREEDOM for the 27 million chained in slavery. My voice was raised in prayer for India, the nation that has been on my heart for months... the majority of the money raised during Passion is going to organizations in India, to set captives free! So many who haven't heard... who need Him! Here I am, Lord send me! These are not statistics, these are not nobodys... these are people with names and faces and stories who desperately need the hope I have! Rise up. Raise your voices. Tell the world, so they may know the joy of worshipping our great God who gives LIFE.
"Give thanks to the Lord, call on His name;
make known among the nations what he has done,
and proclaim that His name is exalted.
Sing to the Lord, for He has done glorious things;
let this be known to all the world.
Shout aloud and sing for joy, people of Zion,
for great is the Holy One of Israel among you." Isaiah 12:4-6
See the joy on the faces of the Ugandan children's choir? Worship Him in freedom. He has set us free! He deserves our all. How GREAT is our GOD!

*more about Passion 2012 soon!

Batah

Two posts in one day.... that's what happens when you spend 2 hours in the Word!
God has renewed my hunger for His Word... and I am so grateful. What sweet conversations we have when I shut out the world and sit down to talk with Him. He has so much to show us... often we barely skim the surface because we are rushing on to the next thing on the to-do list.

I have been struggling lately with trust. I know my faith is so small. I do not trust Him as I should and it breaks my heart, because I know He is worthy... I just don't live like it.
One of the (several) Hebrew words for faith is Batah which means "trust in, trust or rely on; feel safe, trust, be full of confidence"
Batah-faith finds confidence in God, and does not worry about the trivial... instead she fixes her heart on His righteousness and finds rest in Him alone. She is confident that He hears when she calls to him. She clings to Him in every trial, and hopes in Him regardless of the storm.

Batah is used for the word trust in Psalm 62:8 "Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your heart before Him, God is a refuge for us. Selah." Selah means to pause, reflect on all He has done, remember his faithfulness.
Also the trust in Psalm 9:10 is batah-faith "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
other verses that contain batah as the Hebrew for trust: Psalm 37:3,5 & 40:3 & 56:3-4 & 91:2,
Proverbs 3:5, Isaiah 26:4, Jeremiah 17:7

I don't pretend to be an expert on Hebrew or the meanings of these words, but this is what God has shown me.
How silly we are to forget and try to seek security in our own strength/abilities, other people, or material things. He is faithful and worthy of all our trust.
Follow the Forever Faithful. Batah

This song goes with Psalm 62, by Aaron Keyes, and so true.

Dayenu

"Dayenu" in Hebrew means "it would have been enough"
Google it for a clearer explanation of the history and context, but let's just say I was blown away by this one little word...
Dayenu. It would have been enough. Even if Jesus only died for our sins and rose again... it would have been enough. However, He didn't stop there. He offers us a personal relationship with Christ. He is involved in our daily lives. Dayenu. He doesn't stop there... He could've held back, but instead He has given us so much.
This is my personal journey into the ocean of meaning that is Dayenu...
I challenge you to get alone with God and see what He shows you about dayenu in your own life...

"Your mercy, Father. Dayenu. It would have been enough. But you didn't stop there, you showed me grace. Dayenu. Your grace gave me salvation. You forgave my sins. You died for me. Dayenu. And you LOVE me. Me. The wretched, filthy, good for nothing sinner that I am... You, the King of the Universe, Creator of all, the One who holds everything together... YOU love me. Dayenu. You are the Bread of my life. You speak to me through your Word, through others, through song, through a still small voice... Dayenu. You move through me. You use me to do your work, you allow me to be a part of your family. You use me to bring you glory. Dayenu. You chose me, you called me to be a medical missionary and bring health and hope to those who haven't heard. I am such an unworthy vessel to carry the Good News, and so flawed- yet You have chosen to let your healing and hope flow through me. Dayenu. You are equipping me. You didn't just call me, you are daily preparing me for the mission field. Dayenu. You are my Provider. You provide the funds for me to attend UM. You provide strength for me to get through each day. You provide peace in the middle of my worry and confusion. You provide for all my needs. Dayenu. You lead me. You show me where to go, you direct my path. You help me find my way. Dayenu. When times get hard, you are my comfort. When I have no where else to turn and I've searched everywhere else for help, You are there waiting. You never leave my side even if I wander away. When I finally turn back to you, You are there patiently waiting... and you lift me up and carry me. I am so unworthy. Dayenu. You are my best friend. The One I can always run to, who will never leave me. Dayenu. You are the Lover of my soul. You are my Only. You hold the keys to my heart. Even if you never send my Prince Charming, still I will trust you. You are my Only and I will be satisfied in You. Make Your desires mine, Father. Dayenu. You are my everything. Dayenu. You are more than I could ask for, imagine, or ever dream. You know me, you know my needs, and you care for me. You care about me... You love me. Even when my faith fails and I don't trust you as I should, You still love me unfailingly, unconditionally. You are my all in all, Father. Dayenu.
Dayenu sounds like "die anew"-- Each day I have to die anew to myself and my desires and run after His will and His desires. We all have to die anew, and rest in His faithfulness.

Dayenu, Father

Talitha koum

I really shouldn't go this long without blogging, because then I wind up with entirely too much I want to say... but with life so busy with papers and finals... I'm just now stopping to rest and breathe.
Thought of the day? I hate saying goodbye. Especially when it means that I don't know when I'll see my best friend again...
I know goodbyes are a part of life, but that fact does not make them any easier. But He never said this life would be easy, did He?
"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord who has compassion on you. -Isaiah 54:10
This is his promise. He is faithful, even in the middle of the chaos and confusion.
I just want to share some of the scripture God has shown me... and I want you to know that I did not pray for strength, because I don't know how to use the strength He gives. No, I prayed for Him to carry me. Let this be your prayer, especially if you feel like you are stumbling through the desert... because I'm stumbling through it too.
"But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in Him.
He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream.
It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green.
It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8
"Be my rock of refuge to which I can always go... Your righteousness reaches to the skies, Oh God, you who have done great things. Who, oh God, is like you? Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." -Psalm 71: 3, 19-21

Why do we forget so quickly how faithful our God is? He has brought us through so much, and even if we must walk through a trial for this short time, He will restore our lives again. He IS our comforter, even when we try to push Him away. His love is unfailing, and his wisdom is incomprehensible. Even though the road is hard, there is a reason He is leading us down it. So we can either look impatiently for the end, and close our eyes tightly to the pain along the way... or we can see the pain, accept it as part of the journey, and look along the path among the pain for the lesson He is trying to teach us.
My heart's cry in this time:
From when I wake up until I lay down again,
May my every moment be lived in submission to You.
Let me seek You first
and come to You always
with every tear, need, smile, and joy
You are my Only.

Song of my heart: Be Thou My Vision
"Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light
Be thou my wisdom and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I , Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one
Riches I heed not nor man's emptly praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are
High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all"


Mark 5:41 "He took her by the hand and said to her, 'Talitha koum!' (which means, 'Little girl, I say to you, arise!')

A word from my Father:
"Little girl, I say to you, arise! Shake off your chains of sorrow, and step into the freedom of my peace. Yes, there will still be pain. I need to refine you. I want you to be more like me, and for that you have to be tested. I know it hurts. I know. But I will carry you if you let me. All you have to do is ask. Turning to others for comfort in this time will only get you so far. You have to turn to Me. Run to my arms, daughter! I'm waiting on you. I love you so much, and I know you feel forsaken by me. But I promise I have never left your side. Will you trust me? Will you obey even though it's hard? Will you follow me? The road only gets harder from here. You have no idea how much harder... but if you take the easy path you won't grow. If you don't grow how can I use you for all I made you for? Arise, daughter. You know the way to which I have called you. It will not be easy, but it is the only way for you. My way. Take up your cross. You are beginning to see what it feels like to leave everyone behind in order to run after me. I promise you it's worth it. Please stop thinking only of your own discomfort... think of all those I'm sending you to who need the hope that you have in your heart. Run the race with endurance. Do not lose heart. Put your confidence in Me. Let me be your Only. Follow me.
Talitha koum."

Let Him steady your heart.
This new song by Kari Jobe is the music to what this post expresses...

Some days I just feel like running away. Running until the chaos and demands of life are far behind me, and I'm lost. Lost somewhere in the woods, far away from everyone, but close to Jesus, kneeling at the feet of my Creator.

When you're overwhelmed and empty, you need that time to get alone with God and get lost in His Word. Although I couldn't run away and get lost today, I did escape for a while into the woods... just me, my Bible, and Jesus.

I just want to share the view, and a little of what God showed me...


"For this is what the Lord says: 'I will extend peace to her like a river... As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you... the hand of the Lord will be made known to his servants." (Isaiah 66:12-14)


Then I camped out in Hebrews for a while...


Chapter 4: Entering God's rest is an important part of hearing from God and being changed by the Word of God. If you're always busy, then you have no time to rest at God's feet and let Him fill you with His power.

"Let us hold firmly to the faith we profess" (4:14) Even when you're overwhelmed and empty... hold firmly to your faith, and find your confidence in Him so that "we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." (4:16)

Jesus offered up prayers, and "he was heard because of his reverent submission" (5:7) God hears the prayers of those who are obedient, who submit to his will, regardless of their understanding of the circumstances. And Christ "learned obedience from what he suffered" (5:8) Learning obedience is rarely easy; often it's a tough, painful lesson that we all must learn in order to be effective servants of Christ.

However, we have the promise of his blessing, "We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where Jesus, who went before us, has entered on our behalf." (6:19-20)

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith... Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on to love and good deeds." (10:22-24) We know the road will be hard, we know He has promised to never leave us, and we have Jesus interceding on our behalf; therefore, draw near to God and stand firm in your faith. Encourage others in love, pour into others, because God has poured into you.

10:35-39... Be confident in Christ, persevere, and live by faith

Chapter 11... Reading this made me realize what little faith I have, and how mighty our God is... to take ordinary people who had even the smallest bit of faith, multiply it, and work extraordinarily throughout their lives.

Chapter 12:1- Run with perseverance, 12:2- Fix your eyes on Jesus, 12:3- Consider Him, do not grow weary or lose heart

So, run away from the world. Find you a spot in the the midst of His creation to look up in wonder and look inward at your heart. Let God move, let God shape you... and walk away with a lighter, fuller heart. Be overwhelmed by his grace and love. See how he brings beauty from ashes...

Sustainer

"But You are a shield around me, O Lord; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." Psalm 3:3-5

Sometimes you just get to that point where you don't think you can go any further. The world as you know it has come crashing down, and you feel alone. Set adrift, cut loose from the moorings of comfort and routine, left to rediscover what to do with the ashes of your former self. With burnt hands you approach the altar, broken, bruised, battered, longing just to know why. Why life has to be so hard. Kneeling in brokenness, tears fall. Tears of pain, water droplets crystallizing the trial. Tears falling down on tea colored wood, the altar of the Lord. That's where they should be. Your brokenness and pain, on the altar for God to use. For Him to transform. Let Him bind up your brokenness and build on the foundation of realizing that you are at the end of yourself. Let Him draw you close. Sometimes He lets us get burned just so we will turn to Him. So he can pull us close and put aloe and band-aids on our burned hands. He loves us so. We cry in pain, try to blame, push away… then fall helpless and hurting into his arms.
Let Him carry you. This storm will rage, the shadows of the valley loom, but He is here. He is here.

"But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"Even though I feel so lonely, like I have never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you'd see me through the storm"

"For Thou O Lord
Are a shield to me
My glory and the lifter of my head"

Time in the valley doesn't mean a gray cloud of sadness follows you like a shadow. Instead, one moment is filled to the brim with happiness, and the next drops you into a pit of despair... At least it has been so in my experience.
The only way to travel through the valley is to trust He has a plan, and take each day as it comes… step by step. Trusting that His grace is sufficient for this moment, for this hour, for today.
Trials bring strengthening of faith, so my heart's cry… Help me in my unbelief! I believe, even in my unbelief. I trust, even in my confusion. I love you, even in the valley.

Why? Why? Why? That's the consuming question when darkness surrounds and tears drown…
But maybe...maybe the King of the Universe is captivated by you. Maybe He loves you so much He just wants you closer. Maybe the only way you'll ever come close enough is if He sends trials
...and the pain sends you running into His open arms.
Maybe it's crazy, but maybe it's true.
"The LORD your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me; your love, O Lord, endures forever- do not abandon the works of your hands." Psalm 138:8

"The pathway is broken, and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why you brought me here.
But just because You love me the way that you do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to.
Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise, You're not through with me yet.
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
then I will go through the fire if you want me to
It may not be the way I would've chosen
When you lead me through a world that's not my home
but you never said it would be easy
You only said I would never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me, and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to." (Ginny Owens)