To die...

I didn't know it would look like this.

When I painted the quote on bits of burlap and cardboard at the beginning of this school year, I had no idea what was coming. I happily hung it in the living room of our apartment, over the verse from Colossians 3:2-3 "Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God." I didn't know this simple quote from Peter Pan and a long-ago memorized verse from Colossians would stare back at me many months later as a glaring reminder... it IS an adventure. But not the kind I would have ever chosen. Isn't it funny though? Adventures seem to work that way. You don't necessarily get to pick what kind you want, but you do get to pick your response. Now where is my focus? As I sit in the living room with my miles-long to-do list, heart full of questions, no answers, no relief in sight... just a word to fix my mind on things above.... I'm learning. Trusting God means keeping my focus ever upward. Before I get out of bed in the morning, looking up and saying I can't do this without you Jesus. The death of myself- I thought I died long ago, when I gave my heart to Jesus- is a daily thing. Choosing HIS will, not mine. Trusting HIS timing, not my control. Recognizing that I am nothing and I can't fix this, but I. know. the. One. who. can.
And there is peace in that. So I choose adventure over comfort, because with each faltering step, I am becoming more like my Jesus.
Dying means losing control of yourself. This perfectionist, slightly OCD, planner personality really dislikes being out of control... and this semester is a picture of chaos. I have no control. And God is good in my mess. He is still in the details. He is Faithful. So today, this minute, I will choose joy by remembering, "It is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come" 2 Corinthians 1:21-22. He isn't done with me yet. This morning I was clinging to Psalm 9:10, "Those who know your name will trust in You, for You, O Lord, have never forsaken those who seek You."
And so I will keep finding beauty in these ashes, because the Refiner's fire is making me whole...
"I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call upon my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'the Lord is our God'" Zechariah 13:9

If you want to say a prayer for this weary heart, I would be so thankful. Pray that I continue to choose joy and trust God. Pray for the people of the Philippines where I will be spending my summer and the team I will be working with. Pray for God to provide. I am confident He will.
God be with you.
Amanda