Having faith when the rough slaps you in the face and leaves you reeling in confusion is much harder than when you're thinking about it theoretically while sipping a cup of tea on a sunny day. Currently, I'm reeling. This wasn't supposed to happen. Why me? And as soon as these thoughts pop up, I'm immediately frustrated with myself. I'm breathing, aren't I? (The answer is yes, I am.) Therefore, it's not that bad. I am okay. It's not the end of the world. It's amazing how many times a day I have to tell myself this. Why do I so quickly think, just because life got a bit harder, that God has abandoned me or that He's punishing me? Have I really bought into that lie of the "prosperity gospel"? Heavens, I hope not. That's not okay. Long story short, my car is totaled due to some black ice and the ensuing physics of a little white car spinning out of control on a freezing night a couple days past, ending with a terrified girl climbing out, unhurt but car-less. Thankfully, dear friends were nearby to help and comfort me, and this family of friends have been supportive ever since, offering rides and "whatever I need." So, why am I so shaken/disturbed/torn up about this?? Is it because Chloe Roxanne (wait, you don't name your car?? You should.), my constant companion and almost-reliable friend for 6 years bit the dust? In part, yes. That car holds many happy memories and she's now being sold for parts (it's okay to grab a tissue, I'm tearing up over here too). I think a bigger part of my despondency is due to the lack of freedom this causes. This gypsy heart does not enjoy sitting in one place for very long, and these out-of-shape legs can only get me so far. Yeah, people have graciously offered to help transport me, but that just makes me feel like I'm inconveniencing the world. Maybe I'm too independent. I don't know.
I do know that God is teaching me something through this. Probably something about trust and His faithfulness because I all too often have a heart full of doubt when I can't see how this fits with the plan or any possible way to work it out. Right now, any semblance of a plan I had is in shambles. Shattered like a ceramic mug on a cement floor. Gone. Hopelessly broken. And I don't know where to even begin picking up the pieces. How will any of this work out? I have no idea.
....But I don't have to know. I have to trust. That is easier said than done, but God knows I'm trying. Trying to get this restless heart to stop fighting and listen. To wait in the stillness and frustration and know that I can't work this out, I can't fix it, but I know the One who can. And so I surrender. Whatever He is doing, it's bigger than me and my lack of car, and if this makes me more like Him, then yes, the hard is worth it.
Choosing joy, AG
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us...For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are temporary, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
(2 Corinthians 4)
